Catherine

it's been a long few weeks. lots on my mind, so many scattered thoughts being pulled in a million different directions. i think something really is wrong with me. this time, i really am going to go get help, instead of just talking about getting help. the problem is, i don't know what is really wrong with me. i try to talk it out or explain and all i do is talk in circles and then start crying. something just is wrong, out of place... 1. the amount i've been crying has been increasing at a rapid rate, lately they're not even provoked, i just can't help it. 2. i constantly have that feeling in the back of my head that i'm forgetting to do something, it's like that small panic that won't go away. 3. i have too much free time, i am incapable of relaxing. i can't just sit in front of the tv, it feels like i'm wasting time, i start to go crazy and invent things for myself to do or reasons that i need to leave. i'll get in my car and just sit there, wondering where i could possibly go, trying to rack my brain for something that i could need to do or get. 4. if i'm even the slightest bit stressed it becomes this huge driving force, even last weekend, i was going to have dinner with burt but i needed a rehearsal dinner dress first. my mom had to tell me several times to calm down because i was biting my cuticles and nearly shaking because i just...worked myself up. like, it suddenly became a HUGE stressful situation for me. i usually handle stress fairly well. 5. i'm irritable. and snap even if someone is just joking with me. what's wrong with me? i mean, i'm still functioning, but it really bothers me that i don't feel quite right. i was really looking forward to being able to do nothing and it's driving me absolutely crazy. i work 10 hours a week, m-f and just got hired at cold stone for about 20-30 hours a week. i had to have that other job, yeah, the money will be nice, but i just, i have to have something else to do with myself. i started reading again which i think is just...my escape. i read twilight and freaking devoured it and finished the 2nd book as well, its so hard for me to not buy the 3rd to read it. i bought looking for alaska and finished that instead...i've read 3 books in 2 weeks. i'm starting to do my, obsess over fictional characters thing. i go through these phases, i always have it's just been a while since i've had one and it totally caught me off guard. i build them up in my head so much that i am always imagining what it would be like if i encountered them in real life. like if edward cullen (whom i should add is a vampire) were to swoop through my window and fall in love with me. it's completely absurd. yet, i can't stop thinking about it. i think i need a library card, buying books is getting too expensive. i don't understand why i'm so uncomfortable with "doing nothing"

Summer life in Ames is such a change from the school year. It's so different. I'm taking 2 classes, one of which hasn't even started yet. I'm working, but only about 3 hours a day (still looking for a 2nd job) so my days are spent reading for pleasure, working on my online biology or just sleeping. It has been wonderful. Alicias wedding one week from today. Weird! I'm so very excited though. It's awesome. Isaiah and I are doing a fun youtube project, since he's going to school in Michigan in the fall, we started a youtube channel together and are communication solely through those. www.youtube.com/makemepancakes yeah, we're awesome. Grades for the semester went decent, I'm off academic warning from the tonsil crap, which was my main concern. It's honestly the first semester where I can look back and say that I really did try, I went to class, did homework, studied and just you know, actually cared. I think a lot of it was finally seeing the end goal that I want so badly, to be a teacher. So hooray.

Almost done!!! I'm really proud of myself this semester, I rarely skipped class, I realized how much more I felt like I learned when I actually went and payed attention...amazing right? For once, I'm not nervous about how my grades are going to turn out, I already have a good idea of how I'm going to do. I feel proud, I feel like I did my best and tried you know? It's a good feeling. Oh! My fam is going to Disney World in June!!! :D I'm stoked.