Catherine

you would think that in a campus of almost 27,000 i would never have to meet the one girl i dread meeting more than anyone. the one girl i avoid, don't talk about and generally don't think about. it sucks when one of your good friends comes home from a 3 week trip talking about her. and you're pretty sure he broke up with his girlfriend for her. and now you know you're destined to meet her, you're going to have to be nice and civil and tolerate the evil looks you know will be coming, all while she's acting sickly sweet. i hate that the thought of her puts doubts in my mind about what burt has told me about their past. i hate that he spent 2 1/2 years of his life with her. and he has no reason why other than, "she was nice" you don't spend that long with someone if they're "nice" there are other parts of the story he hasn't told me. he's hiding it from me. i hate that doubt feeling of someone that's so far away from me right now. i want to be able to have the blind trust i did before. this is eating me up inside. i HATE it i hate that i can't stop thinking about it. i hate that someone who is my friend, brings it up for fun when we're on the phone while he's gone, just to get a reaction out of me. i hate that i react. i hate it. why do i care so much? things would be so much easier if she wasn't in the picture at all. 1 in 27,000 damn it.

It's always fun when you surprise yourself or you realize that your perception is way off. For example, these past few weeks I have felt like I gained 10 pounds, my stomach is sticking out, my love handles are definitely there, all that stuff. Tonight is the Engineer's Ball that I'm going to with my friends so this past week I had my Mom bring me my senior year prom dress (she came and had dinner with me and we watched a movie yay) so that I could wear it tonight. As soon as I saw it my stomach just sort of sank, I realized that there was NO way i was going to fit into it. I wore it spring of my senior year in high school, a year and a half ago, when I weighed (what I thought was) a lot less than what I do now. Today, I finally decided I had better try it on in case I needed to find a last minute dress. I put it on and it fit! I couldn't believe it! So that's my exciting story of the day I guess, needless to say I feel amazing right now.

Oh I guess I should elaborate on Spain. Burt is there studying abroad and we had kind of talked about me going to visit him over fall break. But, now that he's gone we had been talking about it more seriously. So, I approached my parents and asked them, for their approval only. I have the money, I'm 20 years old essentially not much is stopping me. Well obviously, I was met with resistance. But after much negotiating and them agonizing they said, "You can go, we're not going to stop you, but, we don't like it." So, I'm going. Me and Burt are going to Barcelona, Madrid and then ROME! This is all during fall break by the way. So yeah, I'm going to be spending about half of my life's savings doing this but, it's so worth it.

I had other stuff to say, but, I can't remember.
That seems to happen more often with me.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track:
Defying Gravity from Wicked
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

Moral of the story. When attending a football game, wear sunscreen. Even if it's cooler outside and it's not sunny, it will be. 2nd degree sunburns are very painful and embarrassing, plus I haven't been able to wear makeup for the last 3 days because I'm afraid the foundation will dry it out and make it peel. Lip sunburns hurt as well.

All of the pain was worth it to sit in the 13th row on the 5 yard line in the student section and cheer the Cyclones to victory! I swore, screamed, jumped, cheered, booed and stormed the field. I even made it into a picture in the Des Moines Register. See? I'm in the background on Steven's shoulders with my hand in the air.

I had more to say, but I have to go to French.

Love,
Catherine

Do you ever wonder why some people's past experiences affect them the way they do? You see the people whose parent was an alcoholic and they refuse to drink. Or the person who is dysfunctional in relationships because they were hurt by a past love. There are so many different ways it can affect someone. I've been thinking about that today, about how if I had let every life experience I've had affect me, what kind of a person I would be. This is what I came up with: 1. I would be a die hard Bible thumper. 13 years of Christian schools and 17 years of church, this one seemed obvious. 2. I would despise, detest and abhor alcohol. I would never drink it, associate with people who drink it and never go to parties. Having a once alcoholic mother and the whole church/Christian school thing would have done that. 3. I would also hate prescription medication or any pills for that matter. I think my family spends more on drugs than anyone I know, we have a pharmacy in our cabinet. Also, I'm pretty sure Mom is addicted to pain medication and her depression pills. 4. I would never have had a job in high school and I would never pay for anything. My parents willingly pay for everything, I just like the independence of knowing I have a large savings account and if they won't buy it, I can. Also, I feel like them paying for things I don't need is selfish. 5. I would have a very different perspective on many things in the category of dating. Mostly from the approximately 27 dating/true love waits/pam stenzel talks at DMC and church I heard over 6 years. 6. I would not be living with the girls I live with now. Them not being Christians would be considered inappropriate by some. 7. I wouldn't listen to any of the music that I listen to currently. 8. I would have an extreme temper. 9. I would be deathly afraid of cancer, getting into a car and sledding. 10. I would hate my Dad for how much he works all the time. I wouldn't even bother to try and understand the way he loves. I wouldn't be able to accept that he loves me in a different way than what I expect. Yeah, there are probably a million more, but that's all I can think of right now. I was just in an analytical mood earlier. I think in a way I'm proud of myself, that description up there is a person that I don't want to be and I'm glad I'm not. Especially with things like alcohol, it's almost to prove a point to myself and everyone. The fact that I can choose to not be like she was and make my own decision in life, it just makes me feel good. That's all I suppose. Love, Catherine Current iTunes Track Right Here by Staind I know I've been mistaken But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made I've got some imperfections But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

I've already sunk down. Way down. I feel lower than I did at my worst point last year. I feel so lonely and I know I have absolutely no right to. I have 3 roommates that are just, amazing. They hug me at the perfect times, they make me laugh and we can just talk about the most random stuff. I have the 2 Steves and Mike downstairs who make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I have Curtis and Bremen and David who are a category unto themselves...But I still find myself shutting down, ignoring phone calls or texts from all the friends I have in Ames, avoiding people because I'm afraid if they look at me long enough, they'll see it. They'll see how miserable I am and I'll just burst into tears (which has been happening at an increasing rate). I feel so pathetic and whiny and stupid, so stupid. Brittany called me today and I almost cried when I heard her voice. She's coming to see me for my birthday, which, did make me cry, but I didn't let her hear it. I don't want her or Tara to know. I'm afraid I would make them feel guilty, or I would make them feel like they abandoned me. I mean, the selfish part of me feels like they did, but I know they didn't. What else could they do but go there? I just want to cry with them holding me, the 3 of us in a pile all snuggled together, so close that we get too hot to stand it and end up laughing about how silly we are for crying. Or I want Burt to just hold me like he did every night this summer, when we would stay up way too late talking about life, people, family, us, the future or even video games. I miss the way he knew me so well, the way he made me feel so many emotions in the range of a few hours. I miss the constant companionship of those 3. Not a day went by where I didn't talk to or see at least 2 of them. I got to hear Burt's voice for the first time this morning (there's a 7 hour time difference) it's going to be hard for him to have real conversations with me, he hates not talking in person, but he can settle for on the phone...but then that's way expensive so we do it through aim voice chat, because we can't get the freaking video to work. We're really going to have to adjust to be able to talk about stuff that way, he doesn't like writing like I do. Which I understand, because for him a lot of it is implied or received by the inflection in his voice or it's me picking up where he can't form the thought. It's going to suck. I feel like all I've been doing for the last week is sleeping. I still feel like I'm recovering from my tonsilitis. Plus, sleep passes time faster and I can sleep when I just want to be left alone. I feel like I'm sleeping my life away. A week ago last night me and Burt were spending one of our last times together. After leaving my place he was going to go by Jordan's to say bye to the guys and then head home. I couldn't take it after he walked out my door. I sat around for the longest time, staring at nothing. Then I realized I needed to see him one last time. I went downstairs to see if his car was still there, the second I got outside I saw him getting into the car. It was like a movie, with the cheesy perfect timing of me running to his car for one more chance to say goodbye. The airport was even more movie-like, it was kind of funny how it all played out. Being home is nice though. Mom's are awesome. 102 days until he's home 1 month and 4 days until I see Brittany. I'm so pathetic.