Catherine

I've already sunk down. Way down. I feel lower than I did at my worst point last year. I feel so lonely and I know I have absolutely no right to. I have 3 roommates that are just, amazing. They hug me at the perfect times, they make me laugh and we can just talk about the most random stuff. I have the 2 Steves and Mike downstairs who make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I have Curtis and Bremen and David who are a category unto themselves...But I still find myself shutting down, ignoring phone calls or texts from all the friends I have in Ames, avoiding people because I'm afraid if they look at me long enough, they'll see it. They'll see how miserable I am and I'll just burst into tears (which has been happening at an increasing rate). I feel so pathetic and whiny and stupid, so stupid. Brittany called me today and I almost cried when I heard her voice. She's coming to see me for my birthday, which, did make me cry, but I didn't let her hear it. I don't want her or Tara to know. I'm afraid I would make them feel guilty, or I would make them feel like they abandoned me. I mean, the selfish part of me feels like they did, but I know they didn't. What else could they do but go there? I just want to cry with them holding me, the 3 of us in a pile all snuggled together, so close that we get too hot to stand it and end up laughing about how silly we are for crying. Or I want Burt to just hold me like he did every night this summer, when we would stay up way too late talking about life, people, family, us, the future or even video games. I miss the way he knew me so well, the way he made me feel so many emotions in the range of a few hours. I miss the constant companionship of those 3. Not a day went by where I didn't talk to or see at least 2 of them. I got to hear Burt's voice for the first time this morning (there's a 7 hour time difference) it's going to be hard for him to have real conversations with me, he hates not talking in person, but he can settle for on the phone...but then that's way expensive so we do it through aim voice chat, because we can't get the freaking video to work. We're really going to have to adjust to be able to talk about stuff that way, he doesn't like writing like I do. Which I understand, because for him a lot of it is implied or received by the inflection in his voice or it's me picking up where he can't form the thought. It's going to suck. I feel like all I've been doing for the last week is sleeping. I still feel like I'm recovering from my tonsilitis. Plus, sleep passes time faster and I can sleep when I just want to be left alone. I feel like I'm sleeping my life away. A week ago last night me and Burt were spending one of our last times together. After leaving my place he was going to go by Jordan's to say bye to the guys and then head home. I couldn't take it after he walked out my door. I sat around for the longest time, staring at nothing. Then I realized I needed to see him one last time. I went downstairs to see if his car was still there, the second I got outside I saw him getting into the car. It was like a movie, with the cheesy perfect timing of me running to his car for one more chance to say goodbye. The airport was even more movie-like, it was kind of funny how it all played out. Being home is nice though. Mom's are awesome. 102 days until he's home 1 month and 4 days until I see Brittany. I'm so pathetic.