Catherine

Because I have homework to do and my room is a mess. Procrastination. 1. What's your name? Catherine 2. What is your favorite thing to wear? My favorite jeans, that I've owned for 5 years, they're more cotton than denim currently. 3. Last thing you ate? A Christmas cookie that I made for the kids in my childhood development lab. 4. One place you will NEVER eat at? I will never eat Long John Silvers. Ever. 5. I say Shotgun, you say: JOUST! 6. Last person you hugged? Francesca, it was my last day with my lab kids today, she was sad I was leaving. 7. Does anyone you know wanna date you? Yes? 8. Would you date anyone you met online? Possibly. 9. Name something you like physically about yourself: I like my back. 10. The last place you went out to dinner to? HyVee Chinese (no joke) 11. Who is your best friend? Tara and Colleen. I'm allowed more than one. 12. What time of the day is it? 8:35 p.m. 13. Who/What made you angry today? I don't think I was angry at all today. 14. Baseball or Football? I love going to both sports. I cannot watch either on TV. 15. Ever gone skinny dipping? In the ocean of all places. 16. Favorite type of Food? Anything with sugar. 17. Favorite holiday: Christmas. I am a Christmas freak. 18. Do you download music: No, I'm too lazy. 19. Do you care if your socks are dirty? If the question is, "Do you ever wear dirty socks?" Then yes. 20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos? Meh. To each their own. 21. Would you date the person who posted this? Originally? No, he's married and I've met him once, for approximately 3 minutes while he signed my book. We had a conversation about my name and dating record. (Read "An Abundance of Katherines") 22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? Yes. 23. Do you love anyone? Indeed. There are several people that I love. 24. Are colored contact lenses sexy? The color of them is "off" and it bothers me. So no. 25. Have you ever bungee jumped? I have many fears. One of them being falling from heights. Never ever. 26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting? No, but I wouldn't mind doing that. 27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you Yes. Creeper. 28. How many pets do you have? One. An adorable hamster named Bernadette. 29. Have you met a real redneck? Probably, though, I've discovered I dislike Iowa rednecks much more than I ever disliked Georgia rednecks. 30. How is the weather right now? Freezing. 31. What are you listening to right now? Cars going by and my roommate and her boyfriend and his friend watching House. 32. What is your current favorite song? Don't know that I have a favorite. 33. What was the last movie you watched? Beauty and the Beast. No joke. 34. Do you wear contacts? No. 35. Where was the last place you went besides your house? I was just in my car and before that I was in the Sloss House rehearsing for the Vagina Monologues. 36. What are you afraid of? Lots and lots. 37. How many piercings have you had? Had: 3 Currently have: 2 38. What piercings do you want? None, one infection and trip to the ER was quite enough for me thanks. 39. What's one thing you've learned this year? I've learned that I can be strong and stand up for myself. 40. What do you usually order from Starbucks? White Chocolate Mocha. 41. What Magazines are you reading? Who has time to read magazines? 42. Have you ever fired a gun: Yes. 43. Are you missing someone? I don't know that I'm ever NOT missing someone. 44. Favorite TV show? The Office. 45. Do you have an obession with WoW? No, I've dated 2 people that have. I played the game for all of 2 months, trying to understand why it's so addictive and never really got it. I hate that game. 46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? Several times. 47. What celeb do you look like? Danica McKeller this was mostly when I was young, Eva Green and Keira Knightley but only in "Atonement" 48. Who would you like to see right now? My Mom unless I can see someone that has already died, then it would be Papa. 49. Favorite movie of all time? How is it possible to pick a favorite movie of all time? 50. Do you find yourself loved? Yes. 51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't suppose to? Of course. 52. Favorite smell? I really want to steal John's answer of "Anything that smells like something in the past I can almost remember." because that frequently happens to my sister and I. But, I'll say the way my Mom smells. 53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Can't kettle corn be an option? 54. What's something that really bugs you? People who argue on the internet, unintelligently. Also, obvious spelling errors. 55. Do you like Michael Jackson? I feel indifference toward Michael Jackson. 56. Taco Bell or Burger King? Taco Bell, but if I'm going to have fast Mexican I prefer Taco John's 57. What's your favorite perfume? I really like whatever Patrick wears. 58. Favorite baseball team? The Atlanta Braves. 59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number? Nope. 60. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? It's been proven, I'm terrible at not sleeping. I've been in college for 2 1/2 years and have only once pulled an all nighter. So, somewhere around 24 hours. 61. Last time you went bowling? In Chicago, with Mike and the Steves. I'm a sporadic bowling winner. 62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? The floor of a charter bus, but, I feel like that's pretty standard for high school students. Oh! Wait, I totally slept in the overhead bin of a charter bus on that same trip, that's much less standard. 63. Who was your last phone call? Tara. To tell her about the Harry Potter license plate I saw. 64. Last time you were at work? Sunday. 65. What's the closest orange object to you? A pad of sticky notes.

yes we can

i'm happy again

Where do I even begin with what is new in my life? I broke up with Burt. Several people were surprised, many more were glad it happened. It needed to happen. I'm glad it happened. Really glad it happened. It wasn't triggered by a fight, it was more a series of events, that led to my ultimate decision. I didn't feel loved. Period. He may have finally gotten to the level that I was at, but by that time, it was too late. I was backpedaling realizing that I was the only one feeling that way. So I stopped loving him, it was that simple. People always dramatize and talk about how hard it is to get over someone, I found it easier than expected. The relationship I had with him was the most involved I've ever been in, it was the longest and the one I made the most sacrifices for. I found myself not crying because I was alone at night, but crying because I hurt him and damaged mutual friendships that we have. I went through the "stages" crying, anger, guilt, questioning my decision and whatever else you can feel during that time. I think the anger is what surprised me the most. About a week after it happened he asked if we could talk. This turned into a 2 hour conversation in which he cried, bargained and pleaded. He thought that I was testing him. Afterwards I felt nothing but relief, he said what he needed to say. I gave him reasons, which, he seemed to understand. He left first, in tears, but really there was nothing else to say. My decision was final, I think that there's a reason you break up and that getting back together a week later doesn't solve the problem. I arrived at home with Colleen there to talk to, I was telling her about what was said and started to get angry. I was yelling. I never yell. It felt so good to get everything out there. All the reasons I had for him not loving me, the ways I never felt like I mattered to him, all of it was verbalized. It made me mad. Mad that I had put up with it for so long. Mad that he said (about our fights) "I never thought you were that serious." SERIOUSLY? He knew I wasn't a confrontational person, if I bring something up to fight about clearly it's an issue. Anyway, I got a text from him that my stuff was by my back door. I go to grab the bag and along with my clothes and various other things that had accumulated at his place was the picture I gave him for part of his birthday present (along with a ipod touch, which, i will never get the money back for. bastard.) Something about that gesture of giving back a picture and a frame that I had given him as a gift just really set me off. I went to Colleen in a frenzy and asked where the scissors were. I took that picture (which happened to be the one of us in Barcelona) and scratched out our eyes (like in postsecret) and wrote on it. It was over in maybe 5 minutes, but during that time I was yelling and crying and I even cut my finger with the scissors. I didn't care. It felt so good to get it all out. I'm going to mail it tomorrow. Maybe it will turn up on Frank's website, who knows all I know is that I felt so much better and still do. In other news... I finished "Looking for Alaska" today and it has really inspired some interesting thoughts. More to come.

I can't sleep. I have a million thoughts weaving their way through my head. Suck. I had a crazy dream last night too. It related to Dr. Who (my new addiction) and going back in time. It was, weird, and hard to explain. Papa was there though, I wish I could have the dream again, just to see him.

you know what's incredible to me? my high school classmates. there were about 10 of us at my house last night, sitting around smoking hookah for 3 hours just talking. most of us hadn't seen each other in 6 months or more but we could all sit and talk about what had been going on in our lives we talked about serious things about past, present and future at the end of the night...which was around 4 a.m. i realized that these people would forever be the ones that i trust the most in my life it's incredible how easily we can just open up to each other, fill each other in on what's going on. even the painful things. incredibly personal and painful things. after i moved to iowa i realized i'd never have lifetime friends, the friends you grow up with your whole life. and i mourned for the loss of that. i look back on that now and realize how very very wrong i was. i do have lifelong friends. i love them all so much.

Something we did as an exercise to get to know each other in my CI 204 class. I really like how mine turned out. I am from chlorinated pools, ice cold Coke, red ant hills and silly jokes. I am from scorching asphalt, sticky heat, mosquito bites and ice cream treats. I am the blue hydrangea, red clay, magnolia tree and no snow days. I am from Low Country Boils, laughing with claps and from Papa's clever treasure maps. I am strength when there is no answer and a daughter who watched her mom beat cancer. I am the ballerina waiting backstage and scribbled words on a diary page. I am from holding my sister when her friend left this world and teaching cheerleading to little girls. From "What kind of Coke do y'all want to drink?" and "Please put your dishes in the kitchen sink." From Southern Baptist hymns and "If you're listenin' say 'Amen.'" I am from North and South, fried okra and strawberries stuffed in my mouth.

i love disney world love love love Belle: Hello Princess. How are you? *smile* Me: Hi *nervous smile* I'm good how are you? Belle: I'm great! *smile and pose for picture* Me: Thank you. Belle: You're welcome! Goodbye Princess. She called me princess :) I feel like I'm 10 again, I love it.

it's been a long few weeks. lots on my mind, so many scattered thoughts being pulled in a million different directions. i think something really is wrong with me. this time, i really am going to go get help, instead of just talking about getting help. the problem is, i don't know what is really wrong with me. i try to talk it out or explain and all i do is talk in circles and then start crying. something just is wrong, out of place... 1. the amount i've been crying has been increasing at a rapid rate, lately they're not even provoked, i just can't help it. 2. i constantly have that feeling in the back of my head that i'm forgetting to do something, it's like that small panic that won't go away. 3. i have too much free time, i am incapable of relaxing. i can't just sit in front of the tv, it feels like i'm wasting time, i start to go crazy and invent things for myself to do or reasons that i need to leave. i'll get in my car and just sit there, wondering where i could possibly go, trying to rack my brain for something that i could need to do or get. 4. if i'm even the slightest bit stressed it becomes this huge driving force, even last weekend, i was going to have dinner with burt but i needed a rehearsal dinner dress first. my mom had to tell me several times to calm down because i was biting my cuticles and nearly shaking because i just...worked myself up. like, it suddenly became a HUGE stressful situation for me. i usually handle stress fairly well. 5. i'm irritable. and snap even if someone is just joking with me. what's wrong with me? i mean, i'm still functioning, but it really bothers me that i don't feel quite right. i was really looking forward to being able to do nothing and it's driving me absolutely crazy. i work 10 hours a week, m-f and just got hired at cold stone for about 20-30 hours a week. i had to have that other job, yeah, the money will be nice, but i just, i have to have something else to do with myself. i started reading again which i think is just...my escape. i read twilight and freaking devoured it and finished the 2nd book as well, its so hard for me to not buy the 3rd to read it. i bought looking for alaska and finished that instead...i've read 3 books in 2 weeks. i'm starting to do my, obsess over fictional characters thing. i go through these phases, i always have it's just been a while since i've had one and it totally caught me off guard. i build them up in my head so much that i am always imagining what it would be like if i encountered them in real life. like if edward cullen (whom i should add is a vampire) were to swoop through my window and fall in love with me. it's completely absurd. yet, i can't stop thinking about it. i think i need a library card, buying books is getting too expensive. i don't understand why i'm so uncomfortable with "doing nothing"

Summer life in Ames is such a change from the school year. It's so different. I'm taking 2 classes, one of which hasn't even started yet. I'm working, but only about 3 hours a day (still looking for a 2nd job) so my days are spent reading for pleasure, working on my online biology or just sleeping. It has been wonderful. Alicias wedding one week from today. Weird! I'm so very excited though. It's awesome. Isaiah and I are doing a fun youtube project, since he's going to school in Michigan in the fall, we started a youtube channel together and are communication solely through those. www.youtube.com/makemepancakes yeah, we're awesome. Grades for the semester went decent, I'm off academic warning from the tonsil crap, which was my main concern. It's honestly the first semester where I can look back and say that I really did try, I went to class, did homework, studied and just you know, actually cared. I think a lot of it was finally seeing the end goal that I want so badly, to be a teacher. So hooray.

Almost done!!! I'm really proud of myself this semester, I rarely skipped class, I realized how much more I felt like I learned when I actually went and payed attention...amazing right? For once, I'm not nervous about how my grades are going to turn out, I already have a good idea of how I'm going to do. I feel proud, I feel like I did my best and tried you know? It's a good feeling. Oh! My fam is going to Disney World in June!!! :D I'm stoked.

I just had one of the best weekends. Me and the Steves drove out to Chicago to visit Mike. The timing was perfect, me and Burt have had a rough 2 weeks, so just being able to get away from each other and just be with my friends was awesome. We went bowling, golfing (who knew I wasn't as bad at that as I thought), shopping, we walked around the city, went to a Cubs game, watched movies and ate tons of food. AND Mike told us he was coming back to ISU next semester :) hooray! Those guys are just, awesome. I love being friends with them, because I feel like with them the love is so much more forgiving. I love those guys, they were my rocks last semester and I'll always love them for the support and love they gave/give me. So here comes a week of busy, followed by 2 more weeks of busy. I hate finals. Then summer! Which means 3 classes and work. At least a have a family vaca to look forward to and some more road trips. *sigh*

I wonder if he really understands. If he really appreciates everything that I do for him. Everything that I did for him. How hard last semester was for me. Just one thing on top of the other, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I just wish he would appreciate me for it. I'm glad I'm going to Chicago this weekend with my brothers. It will be nice to get away. Everything was going so great too. Ugh.

my resolve is fading my drive is gone doubt is filling me every inch of me what if i don't want this anymore? does he even want it anymore?

I look like a lobster with frizzy puffball hair. I love this (well except for the sunburn part) I love... not doing my hair and just letting the humidity take control not wearing makeup talking about alicias wedding not knowing what time it is feeling the sand between my toes poking a huge dead jellyfish snuggling with my mom playing with a sweet dog named hershey eating cereal waking up at 8:30am on my own going to bed before 1 am being served vodka and lemonade and just enjoying it being treated as an adult realizing that my dad hasn't done "work" for 2 days and being so proud of him watching brothers and sisters interact in different families listening to calebs limericks being so cold in the water that i can't feel my feet not going to class sunshine!

sometimes what i want more than anything is to be able to love myself

Wendy: Our father, brave? Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor... nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams. Michael: Where did he put them? Mrs. Darling: He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer... and he does. And that is why he is brave.

i read my Bible for the first time in months today Psalm actually i was looking for comfort (thanks james)

don't snoop through your boyfriends computer even if you've done it before and already know what you're going to see you might find something new and it will only fill you with doubt and uncertainty

i miss my mom.

i miss myself.

i miss having free time.

i miss feeling relaxed.

i miss feeling rested.

i miss having time to be alone.

whenever i get like this, i look through the post secrets i have on my computer, so, here are some of my favorites that i've saved.

I always wanted to be an actress, in Atlanta I did all the school and church plays and got the lead roles and just, loved the thrill of being on stage. I can't sing to save my life, so I always just gave up on musicals, plus those are definitely Elizabeth's strong point so I let her have them. I was at work the other day, if you don't know, I work in the Memorial Union in the Event Management Office. I'm a student/administrative assistant so I was verifying the ISU website with our information in our programs to make sure the times were correct and I saw "Vagina Monologues Auditions." I went to see The Vagina Monologues last year out of sheer curiosity. I left with a respect and a sense of pride in being a woman. I am not a feminist normally and feminists usually drive me nuts, but, I didn't always get that vibe from the monologues. If you don't know what The Vagina Monologues even are here's a little blurb courtesy of wikipedia "The Vagina Monologues is an Obie Award-winning episodic play written by Eve Ensler. Ensler originally starred in the production, playing all the various women who share their views about their vaginas with the audience." Essentially Eve interviewed women and asked them about their vaginas. Which, may sound weird but she discovered a lot and learned a lot about women. There were older women, who had never even looked at their "down there's", women who loved to talk about their vaginas and women who had stories of tragedy. Anyway, back to my story. I went to the audition. I was terrified, but, it was so exhilarating feeling that nervousness. I got an email later that week saying I had gotten a part. Fast forward to when we get our scripts, my monologue is called "My Vagina Was My Village" and it is heart-wrenching. My monologue is from interviews with Bosnian women refugees interviewed during the war in Yugoslavia. My monologue isn't really a monologue either, I read it with Katharine, a friend of mine from french class who happened to get cast in the same one as me. We alternate lines. She's the girl before the war, innocent, happy and full of life. I'm the girl after. This girl was raped systematically for 7 days by soldiers. The shoved rifles and broomsticks into her. She lay in her own feces and blood for days just wanting it to be over. It makes me want to cry now. I'm scared for it, I can't get it I won't ever understand how this girl can even talk about what happened to her. Yet I have to make it believable, I have to make the audience uncomfortable and make them feel emotion. It's so hard and I'm so scared that I won't do it justice. That I'll look stupid and fake and passive. I'm so scared.

I went to Minnesota with my Mom yesterday and today, because I didn't have school. The shopping was fun and I loved having time with just me and her. Dad even got us a movie package at the hotel so we ordered a movie to watch and they brought us popcorn. Turns out that us being together was perfect timing she was there to help me through major meltdown mode. It was like all the crying that I needed to do this past week with everything that happened came out at once. I had been trying so hard to be strong about it and pretend it didn't bother me, turns out that's exactly what I shouldn't have done. It made things worse for me and for him.

Things are getting better and hopefully they'll keep going in that direction.

I love that picture, not sure why, it's just more real and it's us. Wish he was here right now.

Today started off like any other Saturday morning. I was excited, because 2 of my dear friends Stephen and Mike were moving back to ames today, so "The Steves" Mike and Catherine would all be reunited again. Mike texted me this morning saying he would get in around 11:30 and to make sure that I was there. This seemed a bit unusual, but I called Steve and he came to get me. Mike walked in right around 11:30 and said that we all needed to talk. He let us know that he had withdrawn from Iowa State and that he wouldn't be here this semester. The reasons were all good ones and I understand why he has to leave, but, it doesn't make it any easier. The guys all had tears in their eyes and I of course was crying like a baby. It's crazy the bond you can get with people in college. Mike lived just down the hall from me last year and then lived the floor below me first semester. Those 3 guys are the ones that I always went to when I was having a bad day and needed a laugh. I just, I can't imagine him not being around all the time. Those guys are like the brothers I never had and one of them is gone. This sucks.

1. Reunions in the airport are very cute. 2. Leaving a job after 3 years makes you a surprisingly sad. 3. Fights happen, even with people you love. 4. Sometimes you just have to be brave enough to admit that you don't know what's wrong with you and that you need real help. 5. Optimism is always better in tough situations. 6. True love requires total surrender. (still working on that one) And I think the one that was most surprising deserves more than just a place on a list. Because it's something that I've been trying to analyze in myself to figure out where it comes from. I cry, nearly instantaneously when someone is mad at me. They don't even have to be yelling. If any part of their voice or expression gives away that they're mad or upset, I cry. I can't control it. I don't like people seeing me cry unless the reason I'm crying is something obvious, like when I'm at a funeral. But the second Burt and I get into a fight about anything the tears just start falling and I try to hide. Obviously he notices and asks me why I'm crying or just says, "You can't cry it makes me feel bad for making you cry." So, during a little fight we had last night, I of course am sitting there crying letting him talk and I just...I realized where it was coming from. I was terrified. I was sitting on that couch, scared. But I don't know what the fear was. If it was fear of him leaving me or fear that he would be so mad at me he wouldn't love me anymore. But there I sat, scared like a little girl, with my knees hugging to my chest, tears running down my face, listening to what I had done wrong. The pathetic thing was, that it wasn't a big deal, he was upset that I hadn't been paying much attention to him that night. Because I was packing. He drove all the way to my house (25 minutes) and I was in my room cleaning the whole time he had been there so far. It was a valid reason for him to be upset, but I could've easily apologized and snuggled up to him and all would've been ok. But no. I cried. I hate that.