Catherine

I think I want to start a new blog. I think this is an impulse I will indulge on another day. My first week of classes went well, aside from all of the lame get to know you games. I hate those. I never feel like I can fully explain myself in two words or in the short time where I say my name, major and a fun fact about me. It always depends on my mood for the day, so few people really know all of the sides of me, because, I'm always changing which side people see. It's my deep deep desire to be well liked. I'm working on getting better...but it's a slow process. I went to visit Joel over the weekend. It was fun, I could tell he liked introducing me to his friends. It was so interesting to see the world he lives in, it's so very different from mine. There are so many contrasts. I went to church with him on Sunday morning. Honestly, I was kind of uncomfortable at first and I'm embarrassed to admit that I was extremely anxious and nervous about it all. Mostly because I assumed when I met people that they would ask where I was from and where I went to church. Thankfully, only Mark asked me, and he's one of Joel's best friends, so I wasn't afraid to be honest and tell him that I don't really go to church. Quite honestly, I'm terrified of going back. I haven't even really sorted through all of my thoughts about it. I mean, it really wouldn't be going back, because I wouldn't know very many people at the churches here in Ames. James invited me to the Salt kickoff on Thursday, but, it was outside and raining so I didn't go. I just feel weird about it, because I know that of all the churches and church groups on campus that Salt will have the most people that I know. I don't know that I want to face that yet. I'm so frustrated about it all. I had started a few months ago telling people I was agnostic if they asked, or if it came up in conversation. I was confident in my answer. I could answer questions people asked me about my belief, because it was mine. I didn't have to answer for the other agnostics they had met, I didn't have to explain the atrocities people had committed in the name of my god, it was just me, being honest about what I thought about religion and god and faith. It's all topsy turvy in my head now. I nearly cried in church. We were singing a hymn I vaguely remembered from my childhood and I just had a flashback to being a kid and singing songs in church, with my Dad kneeling between my sister and me. Every Sunday, when worship started, he would get on his knees, down to our level so that he could listen to us singing. It was a memory that I had all but forgotten. I had to fight back tears for the rest of the song. It made me think of Jenna's graduation party over the summer and how it was the first time I had ever been honest to someone's questions from DMC about church. I flat out told her that I didn't go anymore because I had had enough of it and I was done with church. She was one of my parent's friends and my parents were right there listening. I was elated after it happened, it was like a weight had been lifted, I was incredibly proud of myself, I rarely stand up for myself like that. But, at that moment in church, for the first time, I thought about how it probably embarrassed and disappointed my parents. I hate disappointing them. I wonder if my Dad ever thought about who Elizabeth and I would become when we got older. I wonder if I'm anywhere near what he imagined. It's strange how one situation can cause two incredibly opposite emotional reactions. I just, I want to live what I believe. What I was taught to believe is so different from what I have seen since moving from home and so different from what life has taught me. A lot of terrible and a lot of beautiful things have happened to shape my beliefs over the last few years. I survived and grew in those terrible things on my own, without desperate cries to a god who doesn't listen to me and the beautiful things were incredible moments of joy in my life, and were no less joyous because I don't put my faith in a god. That's where I am.

I'm back in Des Moines today. Headed on our usual trek to Florida with my family. This time, with the addition of the dear Elizabeth Dawson. Who might as well be my sister as well as Heather Knoff. My friend from elementary school in GA. I'm pretty excited about going, we haven't been in a few years and being near large bodies of water always brings me peace and genuine contentment. Alicia called me earlier this week, as she and Garrett were headed back to Iowa for a vacation. We got all the details settled and decided to get together today. Chelsea and Elizabeth were able to come too, we went out to DQ :) I think it was the first time that the 4 of us had been alone together since Spring Break '08. It was really fun, we always laugh so much when we're together. And so much had changed since then, Alicia got married and is now pregnant. Which just blows my mind. She's like 2 stages ahead of me in life. But, at the same time we're the same age and still friends. I felt weird talking about the bars I go to or the parties that I have. She's going to be a mom in 5 months. She's been a wife for a year and a half now. I don't know what any of that is like. She let me feel the baby kicking. I think it's the most incredible and crazy and magical thing I have ever experienced. I got teary eyed as I felt this small baby fluttering against my hand. I can't wait to experience that for myself, but, then I realized I can. Alicia and I are 2 different people. She has wanted to get married and have a baby since we were 14 and having sleepovers together. Is it something I want someday? Absolutely, but I just don't feel like I'm quite at the stage of life where I'm ready for that. Marriage? I could probably handle within the next couple years. But having a baby? I want to experience life with my husband and travel and have my career and move around. I'm excited for that stage of life. Also I have been kind of emotional over the last few days, but haven't had a good cry yet. That needs to happen soon, and before we move Elizabeth in. I've been avoiding thinking about it and emotionally dealing with it and it's starting to show. It needs to come out sometime soon. I'm really thankful for the next 7 full days I'll have with her (and the rest of my family) I love spending time with her and this will be a fantastic time together. It's looking like I'll see her in October for the first time after moving her in. Mom and Dad are planning on going to Baylor's homecoming and I think I could make it too, with no class Friday it would be worth the trip. That's only a month and a half apart. We can handle that. I miss Joel I wish he was coming on the trip with us.