Catherine

SUCK

i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more. i like your body. i like what it does, i like its hows. i like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling -firm-smooth ness and which i will again and again and again kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs, and possibly i like the thrill of under me you so quite new -e e cummings

This comes from my favorite web comic, A Softer World. It's my background now. I'd rather die terrified than live forever. Amen.

Today I did the most grown up thing I've ever done.

I booked an airplane ticket to Spain.

I am excited, terrified and so full of joy. I kind of realized that this is it, this makes me so thankful for all those crappy days working at McDonald's making $6.00 an hour, because I can pay for it, myself. Just me. I am paying for the whole trip. My parents won't be there telling me where to go, who to talk to or anything. Just me and Burt, deciding when to wake up, where to go sightseeing that day, where to eat, what bars to go to...everything. I'm so excited for that independence.

My birthday was this past weekend, this is my first post as a 20 year old. Woo. I think my birthday might have been the best on record. A lot of the pictures aren't "facebook worthy" which, according to Danny, "It's not a good party if all the pictures make facebook." Yeah.

My parents came up Sunday evening for dinner, we went to Old Chicago which was sooo good. Then came presents time, I got a big surprise, they got me a Wii. But, it's not here yet, apparently everywhere is sold out, so I'm waiting for it. I was really surprised, not expecting that at all.

Yep.

I s'pose I'll add some pictures from the party.

love
me

Current iTunes Track:
Common People by Pulp
Well what else could I do -
I said "I'll see what I can do."
I took her to a supermarket,
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere,
so it started there.
I said pretend you've got no money,
she just laughed and said,
"Oh you're so funny."
I said "yeah?
Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people,
you want to see whatever common people see,
you want to sleep with common people,
you want to sleep with common people,
like me."
But she didn't understand,
she just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop,
cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right,
cos when you're laid in bed at night,
watching roaches climb the wall,
if you call your Dad he could stop it all.

tonight i learned how to play chess another one to check off my life list

a good friend asked me the other day if i feel ages older than the people around me. i realized that i do. i'm growing leaps and bounds. i've even grown over the last week, fighting the battles to mature. it's not just that my peers are immature, it's my soul, my very being that is older. it's frustrating sometimes. i got a birthday card today, from gramma and i got a card yesterday from my dad. i love getting mail, it puts the biggest smile on my face and reminds me that i really am very loved. i saw superbad again tonight. i think that will forever be the movie i watch when i'm in a bad mood. i don't think i stop smiling through the whole thing. it's awesome. today came another realization, this thanksgiving will be my first thanksgiving without my parents. weird. i probably won't even celebrate the holiday at all. other than maybe asking burt what he's thankful for while we're looking at the eiffel tower together...yeah. that's going to be amazing. my mom doesn't really want lots of people to know about it, i can tell. she doesn't want to be viewed as a bad mother or viewed as someone who lets her daughter be "promiscuous" or whatever other words those oh-so-wonderful church/dmc parents can come up with. she doesn't want me to be the one parents talk about, "did you hear about catherine? can you believe she went to europe to spend a week with some boy? how could her mother let her do that?" or perhaps "her poor family, having to watch her ruin her life like that." i feel bad for mom, i know she really does care about stuff like that. but people are going to say what they want, call me selfish for putting this on my parents but, i'm probably not going to be a regular church goer again for a very long time, i can deal with the looks and the "where have you been?" questions for the 3 or 4 sundays a year i am there with my parents. they can deal with the looks of "sympathy" from the others there when they ask how i'm doing. it's their choice to go. pulling away from them hasn't been easy and i still won't be fully independent until after school, due to the fact that they pay for every necessity in my life plus all of college and it's not like we qualified for scholarships or FAFSA or anything (not that we didn't try) dad pays for the entire bill. they will always have control over the school area, which, is probably for the better anyway. scattered again tonight sleep time

you could just instantly apparate like harry potter? a friend is scared and hurting and she's 249 miles away. lately i've been wanting to just scream STOP at everyone. stop talking. stop moving. stop listening. just stop. it's overwhelming. sharing the burden with friends. she may not be able to have children. i'm mourning with her and for her. i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for days. i'm just waiting for something to send me over the edge. i'm impatient with burt, which, isn't fair at all. i shouldn't fight with him the way i do. the travel agency is having trouble finding flights, because my parents said i'm not allowed to connect in another country. i might do it anyway, in london. because that's all i can get. i have to go. not only to see him and europe, but to declare my independence from my parents. say "hey, look, i was responsible and have saved money since i was 15 for something like this. i've been a pretty good kid, i'm 20 now, you have to let go." i'll be 20 on saturday, this is my last week as a teenager. not as traumatic/weird as i thought. i'm just glad i'll finally be able to say "20" when people ask how old i am. they will still laugh and say i'm so young, but i'm not that young anymore. i'm halfway to 40. i've lived the late 80's, 90's and we're in the 2000's now. i'm trying to work harder at writing down memories of significant personal/historical events in my life for my kids. my mom can tell me when things happened and what her day was like (i.e. when kennedy was assassinated) but she doesn't know everything that happened. i remember the 1996 olympics and feeling so cool that my dad got us tickets to see some events, the OJ Simpson case, the day i found out princess diana died, beanie babies, when i found out my cousin died from driving his car into a tree, he was drunk. i remember my imaginary friend Ariel. i remember the first time i went to new york city and falling in love with musicals there. i remember my mom locking herself in the bathroom for days and then going to get help. i remember hating my dad and thinking he didn't love me but i remember more the day i realized he really did love me. i remember 9/11 and the night we first bombed baghdad, i was watching star search with my sister and they interrupted it to show the fighting. i was 14. i remember mom surviving cancer and papa losing his fight. i remember my first kiss, period, date, car accident, love and my first night at a college party. i remember the night that changed my sisters life, the night erika was in the car accident that claimed her life, i remember having to tell her what happened. scattered thoughts. i think i'll come back to this list sometime.