Catherine

I took enlish 201 first semester of my freshman year. It's one of 2 or 3 classes that I've actually really enjoyed during my career at ISU. We read lots of different stories and novels. One of my favorite things we covered was microfiction, which is a contest where the writer is limited to 200 words or less. They took the best stories that were submitted over the years and put them in a book, which, I didn't sell back if anyone wants to read it. I was looking through it again and found one of my favorite stories. It amazed me how in a class of 150 people we could really get a discussion going and dig so much meaning out of such short works. This one wasn't my favorite discussion, but I like the idea of the story. Your Fears are Justified By: Rick DeMarinis There's a bomb on this plane. I offer no proof. And yet I know. Panic constricts my breathing. My heart can be heard. I'm sure of that. It ticks in my ear like an egg timer. I get out of the seat slowly so as not to alarm the others. In the restroom I splash my face with cold water. The bomb is with the cargo. We're approaching Clinic City. The plane touches down. The bomb, though armed, does not explode. In the Clinic City hospital I have to share a room with a heart patient. "What are you here for?" he asks. "Brain tumor," I say. He perks up, interested. "How's your ticker?" he says. His wife, large and phlegmatic, visits twice a day. They whisper. "You're terminal?" she asks, coyly. It's as if she's asked me about the weather in Des Moines. "Not that I know of." I say. "Brain tumor," her husband whispers, nudging her. They exchange loving glances. I know that they are thinking. It's clear: They want my heart. "Macroadenoma," I say. "Nonmalignant." They wink at each other. She consoles me with a ladyfinger. After the operation I fly home, weak but still sensitive to threats. I appreciate your interest. I honor your adrenalized stare. Your fears are justified. I'm sorry. I will sit here in my living room and decide what to tell you. Yes, there is no hope. But remember, some fuses are duds, some tumors are benign, some heart patients recover on their own. You have time to change your life.

Go see this movie. Seriously.

I was going to do a post, but all I can say is.

The semester from hell is over.
Burt is home.
Life is good.

So the beautiful Alicia Pearson just called me, the conversation went a bit like this: Alicia: So I have a question for you. Me: Ok, what's up? Alicia: What are your plans for this summer? Me: Just taking summer classes and stuff. Alicia: What about Memorial Day? Me: Well I know we don't have class that day and stuff. Alicia: Well we moved the wedding up to Memorial Day. Me: WOAH! THAT'S SO EXCITING! THAT'S SO SOON, AHHHH! Alicia: *sigh* I was going to take all you guys out for dinner and everything, but I wanted to know if you would want to be a bridesmaid. Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? (at this point I started crying, yes I am pathetic) Alicia: Yeah...*giggle* Me: YES! Of course! AHHHH I'm so excited. Oh man, you made me cry. Awww... :)

I check the Postsecret website every Sunday, that's when Frank posts new secrets for the week. Postsecret is becoming a bit of an obsession, I save them on my computer. Funny ones, quirky ones, creative ones or ones that make me cry.

Last week this secret was posted.



I don't know if i was just in an emotional mood, but it made me burst into tears. Because, it's similar to one of my secrets, which, in a few moments will no longer be a secret of mine.

I call my Gramma's house when I know Gramma isn't home, just to hear Papa say, "Hello..." on the answering machine and I can pretend that he's talking to me again.

It's so hard to not give into despair. I left my house for the first time since surgery Wednesday last night, Tyler came to visit me and took me to the mall so I could get a birthday gift for my Dad. I was at the mall for 15 minutes total. I felt like I had run 2 miles, I was sweating, shaking and so exhausted. Dr. Greiman said recovery would be harder for me, because I am older, but I didn't know it would take this long. I'm supposed to start weaning off the Vidocin today, which, is a blessing and a curse. I have the liquid form, because pills are a bit too hard to swallow, so I'm glad that i don't have to drink the stuff anymore, but then I'm still in a lot of pain when I go without it. My parents have been so good to me. My Dad gave up his spot in my parents bed, so that I could sleep with my Mom in case I need something in the middle of the night. Every night he sets up 2 doses of my medicine by the bed, with grape juice (what i drink after i take it to get the taste out of my mouth) and then goes and sleeps in one of the guest bedrooms. Every morning when he gets ready for work, he'll come in and rub my back to wake me up just a little to make sure that I don't need anything. Then Mom who seriously has Mom ESP, every time I wake up to take more medicine or drink something, she knows, she'll sit up and ask if I'm ok or if I need anything. I should count myself lucky though. I haven't thrown up or gotten nauseous at all. I must have the stomach of a rhino. Because I haven't eaten hardly anything and I always take the vicodin on an empty stomach but it hasn't made me sick. The anesthesia didn't even make me sick. Dr. Woiwood was my anesthesiologist and Dr. Greiman did the surgery, it was fun to have 2 of my friends dad's being the ones operating on me. Dr. Woiwood even let me squeeze his hand when the nurse put the needle in my had for the iv. I was kinda nervous, even though I give blood and had surgery for my wisdom teeth and stuff, I had never had real anesthesia. My wisdom teeth was just at the oral surgeons office, it was surgery, but not like at the hospital and stuff. I'm losing too much weight too, my Mom keeps having to force feed me. I lost 6 pounds before I even had surgery and I haven't really eaten a full meal since surgery so I keep losing weight. The doctors said I need to try and eat more because my body won't be able to heal as well if I'm so "drastically underweight" I'm just tired of missing class and sitting around watching tv. Hopefully it'll get better soon. -Cat

SUCK

i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more. i like your body. i like what it does, i like its hows. i like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling -firm-smooth ness and which i will again and again and again kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs, and possibly i like the thrill of under me you so quite new -e e cummings

This comes from my favorite web comic, A Softer World. It's my background now. I'd rather die terrified than live forever. Amen.

Today I did the most grown up thing I've ever done.

I booked an airplane ticket to Spain.

I am excited, terrified and so full of joy. I kind of realized that this is it, this makes me so thankful for all those crappy days working at McDonald's making $6.00 an hour, because I can pay for it, myself. Just me. I am paying for the whole trip. My parents won't be there telling me where to go, who to talk to or anything. Just me and Burt, deciding when to wake up, where to go sightseeing that day, where to eat, what bars to go to...everything. I'm so excited for that independence.

My birthday was this past weekend, this is my first post as a 20 year old. Woo. I think my birthday might have been the best on record. A lot of the pictures aren't "facebook worthy" which, according to Danny, "It's not a good party if all the pictures make facebook." Yeah.

My parents came up Sunday evening for dinner, we went to Old Chicago which was sooo good. Then came presents time, I got a big surprise, they got me a Wii. But, it's not here yet, apparently everywhere is sold out, so I'm waiting for it. I was really surprised, not expecting that at all.

Yep.

I s'pose I'll add some pictures from the party.

love
me

Current iTunes Track:
Common People by Pulp
Well what else could I do -
I said "I'll see what I can do."
I took her to a supermarket,
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere,
so it started there.
I said pretend you've got no money,
she just laughed and said,
"Oh you're so funny."
I said "yeah?
Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people,
you want to see whatever common people see,
you want to sleep with common people,
you want to sleep with common people,
like me."
But she didn't understand,
she just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop,
cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right,
cos when you're laid in bed at night,
watching roaches climb the wall,
if you call your Dad he could stop it all.

tonight i learned how to play chess another one to check off my life list

a good friend asked me the other day if i feel ages older than the people around me. i realized that i do. i'm growing leaps and bounds. i've even grown over the last week, fighting the battles to mature. it's not just that my peers are immature, it's my soul, my very being that is older. it's frustrating sometimes. i got a birthday card today, from gramma and i got a card yesterday from my dad. i love getting mail, it puts the biggest smile on my face and reminds me that i really am very loved. i saw superbad again tonight. i think that will forever be the movie i watch when i'm in a bad mood. i don't think i stop smiling through the whole thing. it's awesome. today came another realization, this thanksgiving will be my first thanksgiving without my parents. weird. i probably won't even celebrate the holiday at all. other than maybe asking burt what he's thankful for while we're looking at the eiffel tower together...yeah. that's going to be amazing. my mom doesn't really want lots of people to know about it, i can tell. she doesn't want to be viewed as a bad mother or viewed as someone who lets her daughter be "promiscuous" or whatever other words those oh-so-wonderful church/dmc parents can come up with. she doesn't want me to be the one parents talk about, "did you hear about catherine? can you believe she went to europe to spend a week with some boy? how could her mother let her do that?" or perhaps "her poor family, having to watch her ruin her life like that." i feel bad for mom, i know she really does care about stuff like that. but people are going to say what they want, call me selfish for putting this on my parents but, i'm probably not going to be a regular church goer again for a very long time, i can deal with the looks and the "where have you been?" questions for the 3 or 4 sundays a year i am there with my parents. they can deal with the looks of "sympathy" from the others there when they ask how i'm doing. it's their choice to go. pulling away from them hasn't been easy and i still won't be fully independent until after school, due to the fact that they pay for every necessity in my life plus all of college and it's not like we qualified for scholarships or FAFSA or anything (not that we didn't try) dad pays for the entire bill. they will always have control over the school area, which, is probably for the better anyway. scattered again tonight sleep time

you could just instantly apparate like harry potter? a friend is scared and hurting and she's 249 miles away. lately i've been wanting to just scream STOP at everyone. stop talking. stop moving. stop listening. just stop. it's overwhelming. sharing the burden with friends. she may not be able to have children. i'm mourning with her and for her. i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for days. i'm just waiting for something to send me over the edge. i'm impatient with burt, which, isn't fair at all. i shouldn't fight with him the way i do. the travel agency is having trouble finding flights, because my parents said i'm not allowed to connect in another country. i might do it anyway, in london. because that's all i can get. i have to go. not only to see him and europe, but to declare my independence from my parents. say "hey, look, i was responsible and have saved money since i was 15 for something like this. i've been a pretty good kid, i'm 20 now, you have to let go." i'll be 20 on saturday, this is my last week as a teenager. not as traumatic/weird as i thought. i'm just glad i'll finally be able to say "20" when people ask how old i am. they will still laugh and say i'm so young, but i'm not that young anymore. i'm halfway to 40. i've lived the late 80's, 90's and we're in the 2000's now. i'm trying to work harder at writing down memories of significant personal/historical events in my life for my kids. my mom can tell me when things happened and what her day was like (i.e. when kennedy was assassinated) but she doesn't know everything that happened. i remember the 1996 olympics and feeling so cool that my dad got us tickets to see some events, the OJ Simpson case, the day i found out princess diana died, beanie babies, when i found out my cousin died from driving his car into a tree, he was drunk. i remember my imaginary friend Ariel. i remember the first time i went to new york city and falling in love with musicals there. i remember my mom locking herself in the bathroom for days and then going to get help. i remember hating my dad and thinking he didn't love me but i remember more the day i realized he really did love me. i remember 9/11 and the night we first bombed baghdad, i was watching star search with my sister and they interrupted it to show the fighting. i was 14. i remember mom surviving cancer and papa losing his fight. i remember my first kiss, period, date, car accident, love and my first night at a college party. i remember the night that changed my sisters life, the night erika was in the car accident that claimed her life, i remember having to tell her what happened. scattered thoughts. i think i'll come back to this list sometime.

you would think that in a campus of almost 27,000 i would never have to meet the one girl i dread meeting more than anyone. the one girl i avoid, don't talk about and generally don't think about. it sucks when one of your good friends comes home from a 3 week trip talking about her. and you're pretty sure he broke up with his girlfriend for her. and now you know you're destined to meet her, you're going to have to be nice and civil and tolerate the evil looks you know will be coming, all while she's acting sickly sweet. i hate that the thought of her puts doubts in my mind about what burt has told me about their past. i hate that he spent 2 1/2 years of his life with her. and he has no reason why other than, "she was nice" you don't spend that long with someone if they're "nice" there are other parts of the story he hasn't told me. he's hiding it from me. i hate that doubt feeling of someone that's so far away from me right now. i want to be able to have the blind trust i did before. this is eating me up inside. i HATE it i hate that i can't stop thinking about it. i hate that someone who is my friend, brings it up for fun when we're on the phone while he's gone, just to get a reaction out of me. i hate that i react. i hate it. why do i care so much? things would be so much easier if she wasn't in the picture at all. 1 in 27,000 damn it.

It's always fun when you surprise yourself or you realize that your perception is way off. For example, these past few weeks I have felt like I gained 10 pounds, my stomach is sticking out, my love handles are definitely there, all that stuff. Tonight is the Engineer's Ball that I'm going to with my friends so this past week I had my Mom bring me my senior year prom dress (she came and had dinner with me and we watched a movie yay) so that I could wear it tonight. As soon as I saw it my stomach just sort of sank, I realized that there was NO way i was going to fit into it. I wore it spring of my senior year in high school, a year and a half ago, when I weighed (what I thought was) a lot less than what I do now. Today, I finally decided I had better try it on in case I needed to find a last minute dress. I put it on and it fit! I couldn't believe it! So that's my exciting story of the day I guess, needless to say I feel amazing right now.

Oh I guess I should elaborate on Spain. Burt is there studying abroad and we had kind of talked about me going to visit him over fall break. But, now that he's gone we had been talking about it more seriously. So, I approached my parents and asked them, for their approval only. I have the money, I'm 20 years old essentially not much is stopping me. Well obviously, I was met with resistance. But after much negotiating and them agonizing they said, "You can go, we're not going to stop you, but, we don't like it." So, I'm going. Me and Burt are going to Barcelona, Madrid and then ROME! This is all during fall break by the way. So yeah, I'm going to be spending about half of my life's savings doing this but, it's so worth it.

I had other stuff to say, but, I can't remember.
That seems to happen more often with me.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track:
Defying Gravity from Wicked
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

Moral of the story. When attending a football game, wear sunscreen. Even if it's cooler outside and it's not sunny, it will be. 2nd degree sunburns are very painful and embarrassing, plus I haven't been able to wear makeup for the last 3 days because I'm afraid the foundation will dry it out and make it peel. Lip sunburns hurt as well.

All of the pain was worth it to sit in the 13th row on the 5 yard line in the student section and cheer the Cyclones to victory! I swore, screamed, jumped, cheered, booed and stormed the field. I even made it into a picture in the Des Moines Register. See? I'm in the background on Steven's shoulders with my hand in the air.

I had more to say, but I have to go to French.

Love,
Catherine

Do you ever wonder why some people's past experiences affect them the way they do? You see the people whose parent was an alcoholic and they refuse to drink. Or the person who is dysfunctional in relationships because they were hurt by a past love. There are so many different ways it can affect someone. I've been thinking about that today, about how if I had let every life experience I've had affect me, what kind of a person I would be. This is what I came up with: 1. I would be a die hard Bible thumper. 13 years of Christian schools and 17 years of church, this one seemed obvious. 2. I would despise, detest and abhor alcohol. I would never drink it, associate with people who drink it and never go to parties. Having a once alcoholic mother and the whole church/Christian school thing would have done that. 3. I would also hate prescription medication or any pills for that matter. I think my family spends more on drugs than anyone I know, we have a pharmacy in our cabinet. Also, I'm pretty sure Mom is addicted to pain medication and her depression pills. 4. I would never have had a job in high school and I would never pay for anything. My parents willingly pay for everything, I just like the independence of knowing I have a large savings account and if they won't buy it, I can. Also, I feel like them paying for things I don't need is selfish. 5. I would have a very different perspective on many things in the category of dating. Mostly from the approximately 27 dating/true love waits/pam stenzel talks at DMC and church I heard over 6 years. 6. I would not be living with the girls I live with now. Them not being Christians would be considered inappropriate by some. 7. I wouldn't listen to any of the music that I listen to currently. 8. I would have an extreme temper. 9. I would be deathly afraid of cancer, getting into a car and sledding. 10. I would hate my Dad for how much he works all the time. I wouldn't even bother to try and understand the way he loves. I wouldn't be able to accept that he loves me in a different way than what I expect. Yeah, there are probably a million more, but that's all I can think of right now. I was just in an analytical mood earlier. I think in a way I'm proud of myself, that description up there is a person that I don't want to be and I'm glad I'm not. Especially with things like alcohol, it's almost to prove a point to myself and everyone. The fact that I can choose to not be like she was and make my own decision in life, it just makes me feel good. That's all I suppose. Love, Catherine Current iTunes Track Right Here by Staind I know I've been mistaken But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made I've got some imperfections But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

I've already sunk down. Way down. I feel lower than I did at my worst point last year. I feel so lonely and I know I have absolutely no right to. I have 3 roommates that are just, amazing. They hug me at the perfect times, they make me laugh and we can just talk about the most random stuff. I have the 2 Steves and Mike downstairs who make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I have Curtis and Bremen and David who are a category unto themselves...But I still find myself shutting down, ignoring phone calls or texts from all the friends I have in Ames, avoiding people because I'm afraid if they look at me long enough, they'll see it. They'll see how miserable I am and I'll just burst into tears (which has been happening at an increasing rate). I feel so pathetic and whiny and stupid, so stupid. Brittany called me today and I almost cried when I heard her voice. She's coming to see me for my birthday, which, did make me cry, but I didn't let her hear it. I don't want her or Tara to know. I'm afraid I would make them feel guilty, or I would make them feel like they abandoned me. I mean, the selfish part of me feels like they did, but I know they didn't. What else could they do but go there? I just want to cry with them holding me, the 3 of us in a pile all snuggled together, so close that we get too hot to stand it and end up laughing about how silly we are for crying. Or I want Burt to just hold me like he did every night this summer, when we would stay up way too late talking about life, people, family, us, the future or even video games. I miss the way he knew me so well, the way he made me feel so many emotions in the range of a few hours. I miss the constant companionship of those 3. Not a day went by where I didn't talk to or see at least 2 of them. I got to hear Burt's voice for the first time this morning (there's a 7 hour time difference) it's going to be hard for him to have real conversations with me, he hates not talking in person, but he can settle for on the phone...but then that's way expensive so we do it through aim voice chat, because we can't get the freaking video to work. We're really going to have to adjust to be able to talk about stuff that way, he doesn't like writing like I do. Which I understand, because for him a lot of it is implied or received by the inflection in his voice or it's me picking up where he can't form the thought. It's going to suck. I feel like all I've been doing for the last week is sleeping. I still feel like I'm recovering from my tonsilitis. Plus, sleep passes time faster and I can sleep when I just want to be left alone. I feel like I'm sleeping my life away. A week ago last night me and Burt were spending one of our last times together. After leaving my place he was going to go by Jordan's to say bye to the guys and then head home. I couldn't take it after he walked out my door. I sat around for the longest time, staring at nothing. Then I realized I needed to see him one last time. I went downstairs to see if his car was still there, the second I got outside I saw him getting into the car. It was like a movie, with the cheesy perfect timing of me running to his car for one more chance to say goodbye. The airport was even more movie-like, it was kind of funny how it all played out. Being home is nice though. Mom's are awesome. 102 days until he's home 1 month and 4 days until I see Brittany. I'm so pathetic.

2 days away from what feels like the bottom dropping out. My heart is already aching. I spent every day with him this summer, literally there were only 2 weeks where we were apart. Every day after work he would come to my house, eat dinner with my family or we would watch movies or just talk for hours on end.

I am so so scared, he's not just going like to another state or town. He's going across an ocean to Spain. And I'm just here.

I never thought I'd be one of those people in a long distance relationship. Of course, life is ridiculous like that. Neither of us ever expected this at all. I mean the way we came together is kind of, well, different than normal. There are just so many things that aren't guarantees in life, but I want this so so much.

sigh

Life the last week has been a whirlwind. I had my last day of work at Seasonal Concepts, until Christmas break at least, then Sunday night was the last night of High School Musical, then Monday I went to Chicago with my family until Thursday and now, I have to pack EVERYTHING tomorrow, because I haven't even started and I leave for Ames on Sunday. So here comes the part where I elaborate on everything. Work I am so glad to be done with patio season. I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but being literally verbally abused daily by an upset customer on the phone really does get to you. I'll be honest, a customer has made me cry before. I hate customer service, plus my company is going bankrupt and refuses to admit it or do anything about it. It's so unbelievably frustrating. High School Musical If you didn't get a chance to go out and see it, which, is pretty likely considering every performance sold out, they had to add 6 performances then those sold out...basically they beat every record in DM Playhouse history for ticket sales. On the the last night, we got front row tickets it was even better than opening night. I have always had a love for theater and musicals, unfortunately I wasn't blessed with a voice like my sister. I think I lived vicariously through her with the musical. I made her teach me all the dances, I had her tell me about everyone in the play, by the end I knew their names who they played and something about them. Really...that's kind of creepy looking back. But, Elizabeth is so passionate about everything theater and singing it's great to watch her face light up when she talks about it. Chicago This was a bit different than most of our family vacations. Usually we just go to the beach and do nothing day in and day out except just enjoy being by the ocean. But, we actually had like activities and things to do, which was a fun change, but not nearly as relaxing. We had an awesome hotel room with like a living room and a full kitchen. My dad apparently had a lot of "marriott points" so the room ended up being free, he just used all his points. It was a great location, a block away from Lake Michigan and another block away from the Magnificent Mile. We did the standard activities, Shedd Aquarium, shopping, Medieval Times etc. But the highlight of the trip was by far seeing Wicked. I've seen 4 broadway shows in New York City in my life (Beauty and the Beast, Cats, Fiddler on the Roof and The Producers) and this by far surpassed them all. The talent, the lighting, the special effects and the story. Just everything, I got shivers just hearing them sing, especially during Defying Gravity. Oh wow, what a way to end the First Act. Then the song "For Good" oh geez, I was crying but trying to hold back, because I would've sobbed and made a scene. If you have the chance you really HAVE to see it. Beautiful story. Also I got to fulfill something that was a childhood dream that I've had since I was maybe 8 or 9. I went to THE American Girl Place. I was in heaven, I loved those books I had the dolls, the clothes, it's all I ever wanted for birthdays or Christmas. It was really great to see that the business was obviously still booming, the place was packed. It makes me hope that maybe one day my daughter will like American Girl and I can share that with her. ISU I am so ready to move back I could explode, yet I have absolutely zero motivation to pack. I'm hoping that it will all just magically appear in boxes and be ready to go haha. I'll be living alone for like 4 days, because I'm doing move-in crew. Which, I'm actually glad for. It will be nice to be alone and just think and have a break from everything. Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited to live with the girls I will be living with. But it will be a tough semester in many ways. More about that later though... It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend: Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you: Because I knew you: I have been changed for good

Wow, it's kinda been a while. My trip back south was incredible. Reuniting with so many family and friends it just, it's so refreshing and heartbreaking at the same time. I think the hardest part was that we were only in one place for a few days before we would move on and drive somewhere else. I only got to spend 8 hours with the Weeks family (my cousins and great aunt and uncle) at their house. Ret (short for Garrett) who is 9 collapsed onto my lap in a hug when he found out we were leaving, he thought we were staying for a longer time. I miss them so much. I hate being so far away. Then finally meeting Jill. Jill is my Mom's best friend who is 10 years younger than my Mom. I really felt like I met her for the first time, the last time we had really talked was when I was young and I don't remember it at all. We stayed at her house in Tucker (near atlanta) the longest. She actually ended up flying here the next week to see Elizabeth's opening night of High School Musical.

Then there was the modeling thing. I had emailed the guy before I left, he had emailed me back once, and it seemed really encouraging. He said he wanted to see some more pictures to get a better idea of what I looked like. When I got home though, I found the email I posted below. It's frustrating, just knowing what he said, essentially if I lived in any city bigger than Des Moines, it would happen. I have a "marketable" look. I guess that dream will just have to go back on its shelf for now.

The thunderstorm just ended, it was so nice listening to it. I hope it will start again.

Oh, I finished Harry Potter yesterday. 784 pages in 8 hours, 2 hours the night it came out then 6 straight hours yesterday. It's funny, I didn't even notice the time going by, other than getting up for more tissues due to crying or going to the bathroom, I didn't move. I love when a story can capture me so much that the outside world is just gone, time doesn't matter, it's just about what's happening to the characters that I love. I love books I hope that I will always be a reader, right now it's tough, with working all the time, but I try to at least read 5 books a month. That doesn't happen at school, but I take my favorites with me all the same.

I work in 3 1/2 hours, I guess I should go back to sleep. Get a few more hours in before I start my day officially.

Love
Catherine

Hi Catherine,

Thank you for your submitting some additional photos for me.
You certainly have a marketable look and are very attractive
but unfortunately I currently represent someone that shares
a very similar look to yours. Your age group is also very
tough at this time as I represent quite a few late teens/early
20's but don't see a lot of work for the age group.
Since the Iowa market is so small, I’m just not confident
I’d be able to provide you with enough bookings
(job opportunities) to make it worth your time to get
involved. Our agency also works directly off commission
which makes us very selective in who we represent since
we want to make sure there will be opportunities for
both of us to make money. I will certainly keep you in mind
should my needs change in the near future and
contact you with any possible opportunities
that I feel you may have an interest in. Thanks again for
your interest!

Thanks,

Steven R. Myers
Owner/Agency Director   THE PEAK AGENCY

Shoot, I love packing, especially when I wait until the day before I leave to do it. It's awesome. My room is such a wreck. I have clothes ALL over my floor and dozens of shopping bags all over the place. I think having the mall so close is like a freak out thing for me, because I think I've bought a new outfit there every week since I've been home. Eh, a girl can never have too many clothes.

So my trip is going to be so so so great. I am SO excited. Seeing my Moms family 2 summers in a row? That never happens, even when we lived in Georgia. Plus flying by myself will be great, I have my book and my fashion magazines ready to go. That is probably the only thing I have ready though.

So much has happened the last 2 weeks, I made several mistakes, but it ended up working out, for the better. I'm really happy with where I am right now, the people I'm surrounding myself with, the people I'm shutting out, it's what I need to do and what's best for me. It's funny how you think that going to college will be the biggest change for you and your friends, but there are so many other things that can happen that you never considered. This fall will be another big change for me and my core friends. Brittany is moving to Kansas in like a week, Tara may be in Ames or in Kansas, Burt will be in Spain, it's like you get to school and think everyone will be settled, but we're not. It's kind of cool in a weird way. I mean, hopefully in a year I'll be getting ready to study in New Zealand. Plus with Burt going to Spain, it gives me a great Thanksgiving break destination, round trip plane ticket is only like $800. I really want that to happen, my Dad won't take me to Europe, he has no desire to go. So I'm going to make my own way there, I'll be 20 then what can they tell me, you're too young? No. That doesn't work anymore. I'll be 20 in 3 months and a week. Woah.

I like how my parents sort of resigned to their fate this summer. I told them I'm not living at home next summer, I had the money to do it this summer, but I wanted to come home. Now? I would rather live most anywhere else. It's not that I don't love my family, but I miss the independence of school, coming and going how I wanted for 9 months and then coming back to rules, not so great.

I promise to have lots of great pictures :)

Ok, I should actually get some work done around here.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track
Earthquake by The Used
She had an earthquake on her mind
I almost heard her cry out as I left her far behind
and knew the world was crashing down around her
I sink now to the ocean floor because I know that we are more but
I've made this mess
I built this fire, Are you still mine

Tonight is my night of being grounded, but, instead of being pissy or stupid about it. I'm ecstatic. Reasons:
1. When people call I actually have a reason to not go out. Usually I just get talked into going out even if I'm too tired and it's nice to just, be alone and chill.
2. I asked for my first raise at work (after a year and half working there, they should cough it up) and my boss basically said, "Let me talk to Todd (VP of the company) and we'll see what we can work out." The next day he came up to me and asked me how much I wanted!!! I make $7.50 plus commission which evens out to about $9 an hour. I had recently been offered another job at $9 so I said $9 and he said that was fine! So woohoo! Todd (VP guy) comes to our stores, so he knows who I am and knows that I work really hard and I'm good at what I do. So yay for job satisfaction and a raise of $1.50 (plus sweet commission)
3. I am FINALLY going home. Well, home where I grew up. I've been back a few times, mostly through the airport while we're flying to Florida and then when Papa died. But I really get to go and visit and stay and see old friends for the first time in 7 years. The reason that this whole thing started was my sister got a part in High School Musical at the Des Moines Playhouse so we aren't going to get to go on a family vacation this summer. But for my Mom's 50th birthday my Dad is sending Mom and Gramma to North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia. So that they can see family and places my Mom grew up and stuff. Well I thought I'd just give it a shot and ask if I could meet them in South Carolina and see my family and then fly out of Atlanta with them. I've been on more than 50 flights in my life but I've never been on one all by myself! I'm pumped.
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out in 42 days!!! Yeah I'm way excited.

Yay for Cars! It's on Starz so I'm gonna go!

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track
Knock 'Em Out by Lily Allen
Can't knock em out, can't walk away,
Try desperately to think of the politest way to say,
Just get out my face, just leave me alone,
And no you can't have my number,
"Why?"
Because I've lost my phone.

So I am officially a redhead as of about a week ago. I think I like it...it is a bit more vibrant than I would like, but, hopefully it will fade. The picture does it no justice, in the sunlight it's fire engine red. Yeah, it's pretty cool I guess.

There hasn't been much going on for me lately, other than I currently have a bladder infection and I've been working my butt off, I got my biggest check ever over the weekend $500 bucks. Sweeeet. I was really excited about it.

Oh and the first official argument over church happened Sunday, because I just slept through it and didn't go, well, when my Dad got home he told me not to make any plans for Saturday night because I won't be going out. Cool, I'm 19 years old and my parents are grounding me for not going to church...classy. I started the discussion with my Mom about why I didn't want to go anymore, but she just got really mad and started yelling at me, so of course I shut down and started crying. I'm just going to drop it, it will end up being like 8 church services and I'm not living at home next summer, so yeah. Second Sunday of August I'm moving back to Ames, because I want to do move in crew, to get out of here as fast as possible. So I can deal basically.

I hung out with Katie Artino and Nyles tonight, we just sat in Katie's apartment and talked, it was fantastic. Seriously, we talked about everything. I think my favorite topic was about our class from high school, like who got fat, who we want to see soon, what we think will happen to us etc. But then we talked more about how, if any member of our 36 person class hadn't been in our class, things would've been so different. We had/have such an amazing dynamic. I mean, we never all got along, but we all loved each other. Heck, even the people that hated each other still cared for one another. Even if we didn't want to, we knew SO much about each other. I mean you at least knew their first and last name (most of their middle names too), where they lived, what sports they played, what classes they liked, which ones they hated, how smart they were and who exactly they hung out with. Even now coming home, we can still look back at how much we've all changed and how even though we were apart for 9 months, we really grew up apart.

But yeah, that's all I've got

Love,
Catherine

I realized that editing myself is what this is not intended for. I edit myself way to much in every day things, why start doing it here? So here's what I think. Suck it... So much yet so little seems to be going on right now. I'm "taking it easy" which, is working 40 hours a week, planning my Mom's 50th birthday party, hanging out and seeing friends as they finally come back home and trying to sort out just, life. But then there are times where I just feel so bored. I feel like I'm going nowhere, doing nothing, making no progress. Which, is normal for me, I get like this, I do something drastic (i.e. piercings, cutting off my hair or buying something expensive) because I can't stand to think that I will ever become a boring person. I don't like being predictable. In fact, I love surprising people. I think that's why I do so many of the things I do. My Dad has officially passed the rule that I have to go to church on Sundays. I'm 19 years old, I haven't gone to church in 9 months (aside from Easter and Christmas. Oh, and mothers day) and to be quite honest I really don't want to go back. I think that's really hard for my parents to accept. Wait, I take that back, I know that's really hard for my parents to accept. The reason they paid for 13 years of private schooling was because, well Georgia public schools are horrible and anyone with any amount of money finds a way to get their kids out of that school system but I think more importantly is that they want me to follow Christ. Which, is something I feel bad bitching about, because, it really isn't a big deal. There are far worse things that people have to deal with. I just, I really haven't been "following" the faith consistently for more than 2 years now and to be quite honest, I haven't noticed a change. Yeah, I would go off and on and try and be a "good Christian" or do the things that I was told all my life that I should do if I was a Christian (i.e. devotions, praying, church, reading the Bible) but things never changed. Maybe I was just expecting too much, hearing so many people around me my whole life saying how much God had blessed them that day I was just trying SO hard to feel it too. I wanted to be able to say how God was working in my life, but I never could find anything. Maybe I should look harder. I'm not going to go into Christian friends vs. non-Christian friends because that's just a ridiculous argument. I know the second I say all of this it's going to come back and everyone's going to say, "it's not just about those rules, it's about a relationship." Yeah, I've heard it before and I've told people that before but I really just don't believe it anymore. I've done so many things the past few years that I was told were wrong, or that would ruin my life or things that "God wouldn't be pleased about." I'm still here, doing just fine. I didn't feel guilty or remorseful for any of the things I did. (Insert argument if a murderer doesn't feel guilty does that make what he does right?) Yeah, well I'm not a murderer so don't worry about that. I probably shouldn't say all of this. Maybe I'll go back and delete it, but maybe I won't. Because for once in my life I'm being honest with myself and really assessing what I think not what everyone else tells me to think. This is ME, Catherine Lowe and things pouring out of my brain that have been there festering for way too long. If DMC ever taught me anything, it was to sit down and be quiet when it comes to arguing about theology because no one will ever agree. Oh that and according to about 1/2 of my Bible class who weren't Calvinists, as of right now I would be going to hell. Wow, I just re-read all of this. Defiance much? Ha So, if you feel like praying for me, be my guest and join the club. I'm pretty sure my parents have been praying the "state I'm in" for most of my high school career. Who knows, I still believe in miracles. I'm just so tired of faking it. So tired. me Current iTunes Track: Hum Hallelujah by Fall Out Boy I love you in the same way There's a chapel in a hospital One foot in your bedroom And one foot out the door Sometimes we take chances Sometimes we take pills I could write it better Than you ever felt it So hum hallelujah Just off the key of reason I thought I loved you It was just how you looked in the light A teenage vow in a parking lot "Til tonight do us part" I sing the blues And swallow them too

I just wrote a huge blog, then deeming it inapropriate for my small blogger audience saved it for another day or perhaps for never. It was just, too personal.


I will say this, working with my sister and then spending 3 hours at the mall with her? Making a grand total of 12 hours straight spent together.
Fabulous.

She's helping me figure out which Coach purse I want, because, basically I'm jealous of hers. So we spent a while in the Coach store then basically just walked up and down the mall going in stores that looked interesting. No purse to speak of yet, but soon hopefully.

yep
sleep
this might be the most scattered blog I've ever written.

i like it
me

I caved, I went into work last Tuesday and asked to start working again on Thursday. I couldn't take feeling like such a deadbeat. I don't know how people can stand not having a job. It makes me appreciate the time I do get off. But work has been amazing I still like selling furniture plus the pay is really really good, commission is great!

Working the past few days has made me think a lot about things involving money. I mean, I sold $4,000 today in furniture. Furniture that people really don't need, I stand there and talk to them and tell them that they should buy it and how much they'll enjoy it, which, it is true, but at what cost?

Humans are so about appearances, and maybe it's just American's with our "American Dream" but no matter how much debt a person may have or how much they have to pay a month, it's all about having nice house in a good neighborhood with a Cadillac Escalade and a gym membership and designer clothes any other thing that a person really doesn't need. And it's not always to that extreme. It reminds me of that commercial, where you see a guy riding his mower and he has a fake smile and he's just talking about how much debt he has, "I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, somebody help me." It's a commercial for debt consolidaters or something or other. I don't really know.

Someone on Thursday made a $5,000 purchase, and then applied for our financing, which, is 90 days same as cash. So basically it means, that they can't pay for the furniture so they will instead slowly pay it off and end up paying MORE than what it originally cost because of interest. Why not just slowly save money and then pay for it all at once? Because people are GREEDY and they want it NOW. It doesn't even have to be furniture, what about house and car payments? People make those all the time. Why not live in a smaller house and make small payments, until you can save up more money, hopefully get promoted and maybe then move into a larger house if you decide you want it. But no, people buy as big as they can possibly afford and live paycheck to paycheck, building up credit card debt to pay for groceries in the process.

My Mom and I had a long talk the other day about it. My family has been so blessed, but not only blessed my Dad is a very very smart man. He made wise investments and has a lot of money in savings, my sister and I both have investments in our names to get when we turn 21. He spent his early life very very poor and lived very frugally, even when he made more money, he didn't "move up" his lifestyle until he knew that he could afford it. It really taught me and my sister a great lesson. He gave us savings accounts when we were 5. I had no idea how it worked. All I knew was that I got 2 dollars a week and that 20 cents had to go to Jesus in tithe. But then I got older and I got my allowance (which was always just half my age) and I would tithe the 10% because it became habit out of my parents telling me I should do it as a child and then the rest could go where I chose. I could either go to the Hello Kitty store and buy some pencils or I put it in my jar and have Daddy take me to the bank and put it in my savings account. I slowly learned how money worked, I got a job when I was 15, not because my parents didn't provide for me or because I was forced to. But because I WANTED one, maybe my sister and I are just weird, but I like to blame my parents for our love of having a job.

Mom and I had such a good talk about it all too. I encouraged her, because she doesn't always think she was a good parent and told her about how much more mature and confident I feel about my money and how I will do in 3 years when I'll get a job and live on my own and pay bills. But we just talked about how she's so glad that Dad was always so responsible about money, I mean he's STILL cheap about things when he realy doesn't have to be, but, it really keeps us all grounded. I dunno, I just love my Mom and the talks we have and how I realize that they really were great parents.

But I started right off the bat again with a 40 hour work week. Which, in reality sounds a lot worse than it is. It's basically just 10-6 various days through the week and then whatever 8 hours I feel like on Saturday. 10 a.m. really isn't that early and I still get to come home for dinner and then go out afterwards, it just works out really well for me. So yes, if I don't answer calls or don't talk to you often, I'm probably at work. Feel free to come visit, it can get really slow sometimes, but don't come on Saturday's because they're crazy.

Awkward Transition that I don't know how to describeeeee............

So I hung out with Alicia, Angela, Jessica and Megan last night. We just sat at Alicia's house and talked for like 2 hours. Catching up on life. I mean I only talked to them a few times over the year, but it was like no time had passed at all. I love those girls.

Also, about 5 bajillion people have asked me to go with them to Lazerfest and/or Fall Out Boy tomorrow. Seeing as Hinder is the headlining band for Lazerfest? No thanks, they whine too much for me and his voice is annoying. Also, I would love to go to see Fall Out Boy, but, I've seen them already and I don't want to drive that far. So no, I will not go with you. Thanks.

But yes. Now I'm distracted in video chat with my fave Isaiah...so yay.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track:
Grace Kelly by Mika
I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

I do know one thing. My sleep schedule is effed up. I'm going to die tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to Dordt to visit Isaiah and Joel. I wanted to leave around noon, but I doubt I'll even be up before then. Staying up late like this seems to always be worth it though.

For instance last night a certain favorite navy sailor of mine (Derek Messenger) called me at like 1:15 a.m. and we talked for 45 minutes. Man, I miss him. It was amazing to just hear his voice. I didn't even recognize it at first, because I wasn't expecting to get a call from him when he's all the way in Japan.

Tonight was fun, went to Hu Hot with Matt, Hunter, Stephanie and Kevin which was a riot as always, then went to Matt's house to listen to the guys have a guitar jam session. Took Stephanie home and got to take a look at her painting that she's working on, honestly the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I was blown away. So after that I went and saw Spiderman 3 with Burt and his crew, man, those guys can talk "WOW" for a ridiculously long time. I tried to even make fun of them, but there were no words.

As for Spiderman 3?
Fight scenes were kick ass but what the hell? Emo Spiderman? Cheesy strut down the street music? Peter Parker dancing? and love moments that made me want to puke? I think it all came out even though, the cinematography for the fight scenes was top notch, plus the villains were sweet this time. Worth seeing, but I would maybe wait until it comes out on DVD, it wasn't worth an hour of my pay check. Haha. Which is basically what a movie ticket costs now, an hour of me working at Seasonal Concepts...well a little less than that, with commission added i make around $13 an hour on a good day.

Speaking of which, I need to go into work and get started there again. I have officially decided that I can't STAND not having a job. I feel like such a loser like either asking my parents for money or using the money I have in my savings account. Which, I hate using that, it's my money I've saved my whole life, ever since I got an allowance at age 5 of 2 dollars a week. It's all I'll have coming out of college, I'm sure that my parents would help me, but I don't like relying on them for everything. Buying things myself is a great feeling of independence. I told my parents that I was going to have a job next year whether they like it or not. Having a job keeps me busy, I do better when I'm busy and have a tight schedule.

I should sleep now.
The rain will help.

love
catherine

Current iTunes Track:
The rain against my window outside :)

I survived my first 2 finals, 4 more to go. I am really not too worried, I feel like I tried hard this semester, worked on the whole going to class thing and studied. That's all you can really do. Geology was a piece of cake and I'll be mad if I get less than a B on my theater final. The only ones left to really worry about is Psych and Communication Studies. But, honestly I think after living through last semesters finals, I'm much less stressed, even though I do have more tests that I have to take. It's nice.

It's Brittany's birthday Sunday, me and Tara are planning a great surprise for her on Saturday. It's going to be awesome! I love those girls even when we're immature and fight, it all just works out. It's like we all figure out how dumb we're being at the same time and apologize all at once. It's fantastic, plus Tara is moving to Ames in August to go to beauty school, so she'll be close to me once again. The downside of that being, Brittany will probably be in Chicago this fall. But I have no right to tell her where to go to school, you know? Yeah it would be cool if she came to ISU but, if all of my high school friends came here, it would get to the point where I wouldn't have made any new friends like I did. I mean, I have 244 ISU facebook friends. 244 people that I have met in the last what 8 months? Of those 244 I knew probably no more than 10 before I got here and I really consider at least 20 of them to be realistically friends that I will work hard to keep in touch with even after we graduate.

Going home will be weird. Yeah, I'm excited to see everyone, but, we've all changed SO much since we last saw each other. I mean I haven't seen Abby since she left for Boston and even the people that live in West Des Moines and stuff, I saw them maybe 5 or 6 times, that includes Christmas break. I didn't really go home very often. I mean, it's going to be similar to when we left for college, just reversed. I'm going to cry and leave best friends from here to go home to the best friends that I cried when I left. It's crazy. I don't want to leave Colleen, Lexi, Lauren, Erin, Hannah, Ashley, Ashleigh, Burt, Jordan, Curt, Mitch, Stephen, Mike, Steve, Derek, Tyler and the countless other people. I'm going to be crying a lot the next few days. I don't want to think about it these people have become my family. I love them all.

*sigh*
Of to go slave away at psychology...oh boy.

Love
Catherine
p.s. name the movie that the blog title is from and i'll give you a prize

Current iTunes Track
Come Together by Aerosmith (originally by The Beatles)
He wear no shoeshine
He got toe jam football
He got monkey finger
He shoot Coca Cola
He say I know you, you know me
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Come together
Right now
Over me

My TV and futon are now gone, they went back home so that there's less to move out Thursday afternoon. I think i like the quiet, I layed on the floor just in silence just thinking for quite a while tonight. I miss that, I used to do it all the time at home. Maybe it's connected to how I used to talk to Ariel (my imaginary friend that I had as a kid) because, she was a mermaid so when I would talk to her at night, I would lay in the floor. Mermaids aren't very good at standing.

I thought that I had just dreamed of Ariel when I was older and that I really didn't have an imaginary friend. But one day I was watching home videos from when I was probably 5 or 6 and I had the sink full of just water and bubbles you know, just playing in it and Daddy came up and asked me what I was doing, I then, very matter-of-factly said, "I'm making a cake for Ariel." I was really excited about that. Because it was proof that she did exist, well that she existed in my head as a child.

Had a great talk with a friend today, about parents and the way they express their love. Some about his parents and the way that they love and some about mine and how I used to think that my Dad didn't love me. I didn't figure that out until this year, it's funny while living with Daddy I didn't think he loved me, but now, it's like I figured it all out. The reason he traveled and worked so much was because his way of expressing love is through buying me and my sister things. It never made sense to me then, I wanted my Dad to be around all the time. I hated that he left for work before I even woke up and that he wouldn't come home until right before dinner. Looking back, he always tried his hardest to be home for dinner and we would sit and talk as a family. That was his love and I totally overlooked all of it and just saw that he would be gone for a few days every other week or so on a business trip or the nights he would have to stay late. That's what I saw.

I was so dumb.
I'm lucky to have such a great Dad.

love
catherine

Current iTunes Track
Paris is Burning by St. Vincent
they say
i'm on your side
when nobody is
'cause nobody is
come sit right here
and sleep while i slip
poison in your ear
we are waiting on a telegram to
give us news of the fall
i am sorry to report dear paris
is burning after all
we have taken to the streets
and hope rejoice revolting
we are dancing a black waltz dear paris
is burning after all

Mama always said that if you don't say what you think or feel it will come out eventually somehow. That really is so very very true. So this is going to probably be a very very long blog, just to warn you. This is a really personal memory, but I realized I should write it down somewhere, because I never have. I've never even really told anyone the whole story. But, like Mama said, it's gotta come out somewhere.

3 years ago I was in Atlanta, Georgia for the first time since I had moved ago 3 years before that, but, that's sort of getting ahead of myself. Papa was my Mom's dad and the most amazing man I have ever known.

Papa was never healthy though. He had 2 open heart surgeries in his life I think. I wasn't born for the first one, but, I do remember the second. I was in 3rd grade and a bit to young to really understand everything that was going on. I remember getting out of school and spending all day in the hospital waiting room. I don't remember exactly when Papa got cancer, but I know he had it for about 10 years. Which is a lot longer than most people live with prostate cancer without having radiation or chemo or anything like that. Now that I think about it, I don't even think he had surgery. Mom and I always hoped that his heart would get him first, cancer is a terrible way to die.

Skip ahead to my junior year March. Papa started to get worse, the cancer was catching up to him. Finally he had to go to the Veteran's Hospital in Des Moines. I remember the first time we pulled into the parking lot and seeing the big sign, "The price of freedom is visible here." I cried a lot at that point. I went and visited him every day after school for a few hours. Some days he would talk to me some days he was just out of it. Then slowly he was in and out of Intensive Care. One afternoon I went to visit and he was just so out of it. He still knew who I was, but he still thought that he was working for JC Penny. He kept telling me that I should call them and have them send someone to take him home.

One day a group of people was walking down the hall to see someone that they loved. I stood in the doorway, sort of bored and out of it and just watched them. There was a girl about my age with them. She got to the doorway and just lost all sense of control, I don't know that I had ever really heard anyone truly weep until then. She couldn't even go in the door of the hospital room. They tried calming her down and encouraging her to wait a while and then go in, but nothing worked, eventually they just had to lead her down the hall.

A few weeks passed and Papa wasn't getting any better, they tried sending him home a few times, but, he always just had to go back to the hospital. Eventually they knew it was the end, so he had to go to hospice. I remember my Mom calling me at school and just trying to make it all seem really positive, she described how nice the place was, she left out the part that it's where people go to die.

I remember getting there for the first time and I really did think it was nice. It was more homey there was carpet and furniture in all the rooms and it wasn't stupid fluorescent lights, the rooms had nice windows. They didn't know how long he would be in hospice, they told us it could be days or weeks. Those nurses amazed me, just how much they knew about death. I still sometimes sit and think about how much more they do know that they didn't share.

Obviously the inevitable became closer, it was only a few days. Papa was doing really bad, he was no longer ever awake and if he was he would talk to people in the room that weren't there or call out to his Aunt Bobo who took care of him as a child. The nurses explained to us that he could be holding on for something. That oftentimes people that are close to death will hold on for a loved one to arrive or for a special birthday or something like that. So we brought in tapes from his 50th anniversary party where his sisters and the cousins and everyone came up for the celebration hoping that their voices would comfort him and help him let go. That didn't work, he was still holding on.

The last day he was alive we tried something else. The nurses had us each go to him alone and sit on his bed and tell him our own reasons for why it was ok for him to die. I really really didn't want to it took a lot of encouragement from my Mom to get me to do it. I sat down amongst all of the cords and tubes going in and out of him and held his hand and told him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. Then came the hardest part, I had to sit and tell Papa that it was ok for him to leave me forever that we would all be ok with him, even though to me, it wasn't. I didn't want him to leave me, it wasn't ok.

None of us wanted to leave that night. It was like we all knew he would be gone that night, the nurses encouraged us to go home, but to always make sure we told him who was coming and going. He was the one that would choose when to go and whoever was meant to be there, would be there. Gramma stayed though, they had special couches for people to sleep if they wanted to stay.

When we got home, Mom and I slept together in what is now Elizabeth's room, but, used to be a guest room, because I didn't want to be by myself. A hour or so after we fell asleep the phone rang, I remember sort of half waking up and then hearing my Mom sobbing and just saying over and over, "I can't believe he's gone." I didn't realize that she had gotten the phone call and tried to comfort her saying that she was just dreaming and that we would be able to see him tomorrow, but then I saw the phone in her hand and realized that it wasn't a dream, that Papa really was gone.

Daddy and Mom left to go get Gramma from hospice and Mom was able to say goodbye to Papa while he was still warm. They brought Gramma over to my house and she slept in our other guest room for the night so she didn't have to go home alone.

I couldn't sleep at all. Eventually I just went down to the basement and grabbed all of the home videos I could find and watched anything I could find with Papa in it. I didn't want to remember him as the weak and sick man in the hospital bed, I wanted to remember him as the man who made Easter egg scavenger hunts for my sister and I, the man who would take me fishing, the man who always had a new scheme up his sleeve. I finally fell asleep around 6 that morning, my parents didn't make me go to school, but I told them I wanted to get my homework, since we would be flying to Atlanta for the next 3 days, in reality I just needed to see my friends.

I walked into the doors and the first person I saw was Isaiah. I literally collapsed into his arms in sobs and explained what was going on. I will always love him for the way he comforts me, he's amazing. I slowly went from class to class to talk to my teachers, then I went to Dr. Quick's room. Brittany, Alivia and Tori were all in there, I saw those 3 and just started crying again. Having the 3 of them surround me in hugs and then Dr. Quick stop class, come over and just started praying for me. It was amazing, that man never should have been fired.

I ran into Melissa along the way of collecting assignments too, I love that girl too, she helped me carry everything and stood in the parking lot with me while I waited for my Dad to come back to get me. She was such a comfort and I love her so much for it.

We flew out for Atlanta the next day.

The funeral was all a blur, meeting lots of people that were his friends that I had met once...when I was a baby or just very young.

The neat thing about seeing my family again was seeing baby Josie and just holding her. I remember Gramma saying, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Her strength and resolve and view on how life is always beginning and ending really inspired me.

I miss him so much.
Some days are more than others, some days too much to bear.
But, I know he would be proud of me if he were alive.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track
Happy Ending by Mika
This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Every young girl growing up loves to dance, whether it is in dance class, at a wedding or even just making up dances with her friends. Little girls crave attention, to be noticed, to be told they are beautiful and worth watching. I received this attention from my grandfather.

Growing up I loved going over to my grandparent’s house to stay the night. They lived in a beautiful old house in Tucker, Georgia. It was only about half an hour away from our house, but to me, it was like a grand adventure. I loved that house; it was always the perfect temperature, nice and cool in the sticky Atlanta heat.

My grandfather, who I affectionately called Papa, was in reality not a very tall man but I saw him as a giant when I was small. He had a personality that filled up the room and a laugh that was infectious. He would always tuck my sister and me into bed at night and make up these wonderful stories, full of sailors and grand adventures.

My favorite memory of Papa is the time we would spend dancing. It seemed like Papa always had a little skip in his step, but he really came alive when the music played. He taught me the box step but we didn’t always have to follow steps, he would just make it up as we went along. He would twirl me until the room was a blur; all I could hear was the music and all I could feel was his firm hand holding mine.

Do you have an unrealistic big dream? I do. They sort of suck.

I've wanted to be a model since I was probably 8, when people first started telling me that I was, "so tall and skinny!" and I was 15 when I asked my Mom about it. It's funny, I can tell she really wants it for me. Because there are so many dreams at that age that she never went after or accomplished.

But, I just feel, stuck. In order to have money and support from my parents to pursue this full-on, I have to finish college. My Mom told me that she would do everything in her power to help me make it...after I finish college. Yeah, I know, that's really smart of them, because, probably by that point I'll either give up on it or get fat. (which, seems to be what will happen first) So, being a firm believer in doing and attaining things by oneself and making stuff happen for yourself. I entered a modeling contest that I found online for smashbox cosmetics. The grand prize is being a model for them in their new campaign and getting a real contract plus like $2,000 in makeup. The first part is based on online votes from now until June 10. I have to get into the top 50. After telling a few friends and posting a facebook note, I've gotten 214 votes and jumped from ranking 1,417 to 213. Being ranked 50 is so close I can taste it.

Now I'm sitting here thinking about it all. It's really showed me how many of my friends believe in me and want me to do this. Before I entered Brett and Mitch spent 20 minutes telling me I just HAD to apply to be on America's Next Top Model. To please them, I looked at the application, I found out sadly that it was due within a week and that a video had to accompany it. But we read through the application anyway...man oh man some of the questions you could tell they were just asking for drama queens. "When was the last time you kicked, punched or slapped somebody and why?" HA!

But besides that I've been thinking about my motivation for all of this. Is it really really conceited? Well yeah...but maybe that's not a bad thing. For once it would be cool to do something for ME. Something that I want. I don't know that I've ever made a huge decision based on just what I want. I mean, to be 100% honest, college isn't fully my choice. If I could've done anything it would've been pursuing modeling or acting. But I mean I do want to learn and I do want to be here, don't get me wrong, but, my parents wanted it for me more than I wanted it for myself. Choosing ISU was my choice, but I did consider my family. We visited NWMSU and I liked it SO much. When we got in the car to come home I just said how much I liked it and instantly my parents pointed out all of the negatives. Which, they were right, but still, I knew all of those things but still wanted to go there. But, seeing my Mom so sad about how far away it was, I didn't want to put all of that on her.

Maybe in life you never really do make selfish decisions if you're not a real selfish person.

I'm such a pushover. I think if I could change something about myself it would honestly be that, not being so nice all the time. Which sounds really bad, but it gets so old and it causes me so much grief. I hate being the nice person that just goes along with whatever someone wants. It's caused me to compromise and change so much of who I am in life. I like pretending that I don't care when I find out people don't like me, but it really and truly bothers me. Although, I am getting better. Earlier this year someone wrote the meanest thing that anyone had ever said to me in a huge facebook message and dammit I stood up for myself and wrote a great reply, I was so proud of myself.

I do feel better now. I just needed to get all of that out there. Blah. I need sleep.

If you do feel like voting though feel free to go here
you can vote once a day.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track
Section 16: One Man Show by The Polyphonic Spree
She said goodnight to all the lights that made her seem to glow.
Her hair parades for him to stay but he decides to go.
He makes his way in subtle plays.
Sometimes he says hello.
It takes him days to move her way.
She knows it’s time to go cause time doesn’t go.
Along the way now she sits right down to find the one man show.