Catherine

Do you have an unrealistic big dream? I do. They sort of suck.

I've wanted to be a model since I was probably 8, when people first started telling me that I was, "so tall and skinny!" and I was 15 when I asked my Mom about it. It's funny, I can tell she really wants it for me. Because there are so many dreams at that age that she never went after or accomplished.

But, I just feel, stuck. In order to have money and support from my parents to pursue this full-on, I have to finish college. My Mom told me that she would do everything in her power to help me make it...after I finish college. Yeah, I know, that's really smart of them, because, probably by that point I'll either give up on it or get fat. (which, seems to be what will happen first) So, being a firm believer in doing and attaining things by oneself and making stuff happen for yourself. I entered a modeling contest that I found online for smashbox cosmetics. The grand prize is being a model for them in their new campaign and getting a real contract plus like $2,000 in makeup. The first part is based on online votes from now until June 10. I have to get into the top 50. After telling a few friends and posting a facebook note, I've gotten 214 votes and jumped from ranking 1,417 to 213. Being ranked 50 is so close I can taste it.

Now I'm sitting here thinking about it all. It's really showed me how many of my friends believe in me and want me to do this. Before I entered Brett and Mitch spent 20 minutes telling me I just HAD to apply to be on America's Next Top Model. To please them, I looked at the application, I found out sadly that it was due within a week and that a video had to accompany it. But we read through the application anyway...man oh man some of the questions you could tell they were just asking for drama queens. "When was the last time you kicked, punched or slapped somebody and why?" HA!

But besides that I've been thinking about my motivation for all of this. Is it really really conceited? Well yeah...but maybe that's not a bad thing. For once it would be cool to do something for ME. Something that I want. I don't know that I've ever made a huge decision based on just what I want. I mean, to be 100% honest, college isn't fully my choice. If I could've done anything it would've been pursuing modeling or acting. But I mean I do want to learn and I do want to be here, don't get me wrong, but, my parents wanted it for me more than I wanted it for myself. Choosing ISU was my choice, but I did consider my family. We visited NWMSU and I liked it SO much. When we got in the car to come home I just said how much I liked it and instantly my parents pointed out all of the negatives. Which, they were right, but still, I knew all of those things but still wanted to go there. But, seeing my Mom so sad about how far away it was, I didn't want to put all of that on her.

Maybe in life you never really do make selfish decisions if you're not a real selfish person.

I'm such a pushover. I think if I could change something about myself it would honestly be that, not being so nice all the time. Which sounds really bad, but it gets so old and it causes me so much grief. I hate being the nice person that just goes along with whatever someone wants. It's caused me to compromise and change so much of who I am in life. I like pretending that I don't care when I find out people don't like me, but it really and truly bothers me. Although, I am getting better. Earlier this year someone wrote the meanest thing that anyone had ever said to me in a huge facebook message and dammit I stood up for myself and wrote a great reply, I was so proud of myself.

I do feel better now. I just needed to get all of that out there. Blah. I need sleep.

If you do feel like voting though feel free to go here
you can vote once a day.

Love,
Catherine

Current iTunes Track
Section 16: One Man Show by The Polyphonic Spree
She said goodnight to all the lights that made her seem to glow.
Her hair parades for him to stay but he decides to go.
He makes his way in subtle plays.
Sometimes he says hello.
It takes him days to move her way.
She knows it’s time to go cause time doesn’t go.
Along the way now she sits right down to find the one man show.