Catherine

abandon |əˈbandən| verb [ trans. ] 1 cease to support or look after (someone); desert

I have never been more hurt, betrayed or just left behind, like trash that doesn't matter. All of that by someone I have considered a best friend for over 3 years of my life. I'm watching her potentially ruin her life and she insists that she knows what she's doing and that it's right and that she's finally doing it for herself.

She's always done everything for herself and rarely considers anyone else.

If it's so right, why does is she so deceitful about everything that's going on?

This is all going to crash around her.
And this time I'm not going to forgive her and take her back.

I'm done with that.
Our friendship is no longer healthy for me.
I am no longer willing to sacrifice my mental well-being for her.

I'm tired of being her option when she is my priority.

Current iTunes Track:
Golden by Fall Out Boy
How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
Though I carried karats for everyone to see
And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me

Tonight, I just exist.

Ever get like that? You're just, here.

I'm okay with that.
For now.

I like this poem.

Implosions by Adrienne Rich

The world's
not wanton
only wild and wavering

I wanted to choose words that even you
would have to be changed by

Take the word
of my pulse, loving and ordinary
Send out your signals, hoist
your dark scribbled flags
but take
my hand

All wars are useless to the dead

My hands are knotted in the rope
and I cannot sound the bell

My hands are frozen to the switch
and I cannot throw it

The foot is in the wheel

When it's finished and we're lying
in a stubble of blistered flowers
eyes gaping, mouths staring
dusted with crushed arterial blues

I'll have done nothing
even for you?

I was thinking tonight of something cool. So bear with me, I hope I can get this out and have it sound as amazing as it does in my head.

I was taking pictures with Nyles, like that one. And something just popped into my head. When we [all my friends] parted ways for school, yeah, we were all sad and yeah, I cried when I said goodbye. But, you can't sit and wallow forever, we all picked ourselves up and decided that we had to go on with the change that was inevitable. We have all grown up apart, grown so much more than I ever thought possible. I love talking to them and talking about things that we have learned...at the same time, thousands of miles apart. But they are things we never could have learned had we not had to say that goodbye, knowing that it would be months before we could hug again.

I would look at their facebook pictures, as I'm sure they looked at mine. They were always full of people I had never seen or met before. I mean, I went to college with none of the people I always hung out with, except Kevin and I hardly even see him around campus...but anyways that's not the point. The point is that all of our pictures have strangers in them, but they become your new friends. you start over. Tell them about friends from back home, make new memories, take pictures, put them on facebook. But, then you finally are reunited with those core people you endured high school with. You hold them like you'll never let go again, because, you don't want to. You swap stories, you tell them about your new friends, you take new pictures, put them on facebook. It's like they never left, you're pictures go back to having
them in them.

I like that.

I like that my pictures went from the "old friends" to the "new friends" and they can seamlessly go back and forth. Almost as if nothing really has changed. Yet, so much has.

So much more than you can even put into words, yet, both people sense it and they can just look at you and know.

That is what love is.

Isn't life amazing?

Current iTunes Track
I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything
You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do. That's what you do.

I really don't like winter. I know, it's such a stereotypical thing for everyone to say around this time of year, but I really don't like it. I like snow when it's falling for the first time and I like it when it's around for a day or two, but, after that, I'm done. I really don't enjoy being cold. I don't like the way snow looks all dirty when it melts, I don't like how wet it gets outside I don't like any of it. I hate having to be inside and not being able to go out and go for a walk when i want. I miss sunshine and summer rain and heat and swimming.

The past week or two I've been thinking about motivation. It sort of started when I got strep throat and has been ongoing in my head. Where do I get the motivation to get up for class at 9:30 after only 4 hours of sleep? I mean, I think that I'm in the minority around here sometimes. Is it just the way my body is wired to need little rest or is it the drive to do well and succeed? I used to just think it was the way I was wired, because I've never been a highly motivated person when it comes to school. But, now I'm not so sure. I didn't go to communication studies class for a week and after that it sort of hit me. I hated myself when I did that, I would sit and agonize over whether or not I was going to go and when I finally would decide not to go I would sit and feel guilty.

So I'm working on that basically and it's sort of reverse psychology if you will. I think about how bad I feel if I sleep through class or just don't go and that motivates me to go. Even when I had strep throat. I only missed one day of classes because I couldn't stand sitting and watching TV all day. I hate sitting around all day I mean think about it. You're days on earth are limited, how many of them do I want to spend with imaginary characters becoming one with my futon?

As few as possible.

So all in all. Go to class kids and don't watch TV as much you'll feel better about yourself, I promise.

I had other great revelations to share, but, I of course have forgotten most of them. Ha. I have been listening to a lot of Say Anything lately. I think they're my new fave. You should check them out, Futile, A Walk through Hell, Admit It!!! and Wow, I can Get Sexual Too are my favorite songs. Check it, I hate posting long sections of lyrics, but Admit It!!! is sort of spoken and actually kind of funny. I don't read lyrics when people post them so I guess I shouldn't expect it of you, but, if you're bored enough, feel free.

Current iTunes Track:
Admit It!!! by Say Anything

ADMIT IT! Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing ABOUT art or sex that you couldn't read in any trendy new york underground fashion magazine...Proto-typical non-conformist. You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store gastapo. You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges-BULLSHIT-giving your thumbs up and thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art. Go analog baby, you're so post-modern. You're diving face forward into an antiquated past, it's disgusting! It's offensive! Don't stick your nose up at me! Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends, pontificating to each other, forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire SHALLOW....POINTLESS...conversation. Oh we're not worthy.

When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people you chuckle to yourself, patting yourself on the back as you scoff. It's the same superority complex shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell, makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life BITCHING about! Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself? I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done, proud of myself and the loner I've become. You're free to whine. It will not get you far. I do just fine, my car and my guitar.

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved. I spend hours in front of the mirror making my hair elegantly disheveled. I worry about how this album will sell because I believe it will determine the amount of SEX I will have in the future. I self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to help treat my extreme social anxiety problem. You are a FAKER! You are a FRAUD! You're living a LIE! You don't impress me! You don't intimidate me! ADMIT IT! Why don't you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank! I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done, proud of myself and the loner i've become. You're free to whine. It will not get you far. I do just fine, my car and my guitar, and I am done with this. I wanna taste the breeze of every great city, my car and my guitar. You're urgently unfulfilled, when I'm dead I'll rest.