Catherine

My TV and futon are now gone, they went back home so that there's less to move out Thursday afternoon. I think i like the quiet, I layed on the floor just in silence just thinking for quite a while tonight. I miss that, I used to do it all the time at home. Maybe it's connected to how I used to talk to Ariel (my imaginary friend that I had as a kid) because, she was a mermaid so when I would talk to her at night, I would lay in the floor. Mermaids aren't very good at standing.

I thought that I had just dreamed of Ariel when I was older and that I really didn't have an imaginary friend. But one day I was watching home videos from when I was probably 5 or 6 and I had the sink full of just water and bubbles you know, just playing in it and Daddy came up and asked me what I was doing, I then, very matter-of-factly said, "I'm making a cake for Ariel." I was really excited about that. Because it was proof that she did exist, well that she existed in my head as a child.

Had a great talk with a friend today, about parents and the way they express their love. Some about his parents and the way that they love and some about mine and how I used to think that my Dad didn't love me. I didn't figure that out until this year, it's funny while living with Daddy I didn't think he loved me, but now, it's like I figured it all out. The reason he traveled and worked so much was because his way of expressing love is through buying me and my sister things. It never made sense to me then, I wanted my Dad to be around all the time. I hated that he left for work before I even woke up and that he wouldn't come home until right before dinner. Looking back, he always tried his hardest to be home for dinner and we would sit and talk as a family. That was his love and I totally overlooked all of it and just saw that he would be gone for a few days every other week or so on a business trip or the nights he would have to stay late. That's what I saw.

I was so dumb.
I'm lucky to have such a great Dad.

love
catherine

Current iTunes Track
Paris is Burning by St. Vincent
they say
i'm on your side
when nobody is
'cause nobody is
come sit right here
and sleep while i slip
poison in your ear
we are waiting on a telegram to
give us news of the fall
i am sorry to report dear paris
is burning after all
we have taken to the streets
and hope rejoice revolting
we are dancing a black waltz dear paris
is burning after all