Catherine

you could just instantly apparate like harry potter? a friend is scared and hurting and she's 249 miles away. lately i've been wanting to just scream STOP at everyone. stop talking. stop moving. stop listening. just stop. it's overwhelming. sharing the burden with friends. she may not be able to have children. i'm mourning with her and for her. i feel like i've been on the verge of tears for days. i'm just waiting for something to send me over the edge. i'm impatient with burt, which, isn't fair at all. i shouldn't fight with him the way i do. the travel agency is having trouble finding flights, because my parents said i'm not allowed to connect in another country. i might do it anyway, in london. because that's all i can get. i have to go. not only to see him and europe, but to declare my independence from my parents. say "hey, look, i was responsible and have saved money since i was 15 for something like this. i've been a pretty good kid, i'm 20 now, you have to let go." i'll be 20 on saturday, this is my last week as a teenager. not as traumatic/weird as i thought. i'm just glad i'll finally be able to say "20" when people ask how old i am. they will still laugh and say i'm so young, but i'm not that young anymore. i'm halfway to 40. i've lived the late 80's, 90's and we're in the 2000's now. i'm trying to work harder at writing down memories of significant personal/historical events in my life for my kids. my mom can tell me when things happened and what her day was like (i.e. when kennedy was assassinated) but she doesn't know everything that happened. i remember the 1996 olympics and feeling so cool that my dad got us tickets to see some events, the OJ Simpson case, the day i found out princess diana died, beanie babies, when i found out my cousin died from driving his car into a tree, he was drunk. i remember my imaginary friend Ariel. i remember the first time i went to new york city and falling in love with musicals there. i remember my mom locking herself in the bathroom for days and then going to get help. i remember hating my dad and thinking he didn't love me but i remember more the day i realized he really did love me. i remember 9/11 and the night we first bombed baghdad, i was watching star search with my sister and they interrupted it to show the fighting. i was 14. i remember mom surviving cancer and papa losing his fight. i remember my first kiss, period, date, car accident, love and my first night at a college party. i remember the night that changed my sisters life, the night erika was in the car accident that claimed her life, i remember having to tell her what happened. scattered thoughts. i think i'll come back to this list sometime.